Austin Wolf-Sothern

BEST OF 2011!!!!!!!

2012-02-26T16:11:00.000-08:00

Turn off the Oscars! Here are my lists of my favorite 2011 films from every genre! I go off US release date, so sometimes that includes movies IMDb lists as early as 2008, but that is because IMDb hates America and our American freedom to not get around to releasing foreign movies until way later.

First,
Worst Film
1. Tie: Stake Land (Jim Mickle) / Bellflower (Evan Glodell)
Honorable Mentions: A Haunting in Salem, The Way, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

I didn't completely hate the films tied for Worst, but I actively disliked them. The HMs are ones I felt pretty whatever about.

Here are some better movies. I didn't include the #1 Best Film winner in any of the genre categories, because it already wins at everything and I couldn't decide what genre to put it in.

Best Thriller

1. Cold Fish (Sion Sono)
2. Drive Angry (Patrick Lussier)
3. I Saw the Devil (Kim Jee-woon)
4. Hobo with a Shotgun (Jason Eisener)
5. Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)
Honorable Mentions: Red White & Blue, Contagion

Best Sci-fi Action Thriller

1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Rupert Wyatt)
2. Attack the Block (Joe Cornish)
3. Source Code (Duncan Jones)
Honorable Mention: Super 8

Best Dramatic Drama and/or Comedic Drama

1. Melancholia (Lars von Trier)
2. Win Win (Thomas McCarthy)
3. Margaret (Kenneth Lonergan)
4. 50/50 (Jonathan Levine)
5. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)
Honorable Mentions: Terri, Rango

Best Romance Movie

1. Love Exposure (Sion Sono)
2. The Skin I Live In (Pedro Almodóvar)

Best TV (from the fairly limited selection of things I watch)

1. Parks and Recreation
2. Eagleheart
3. Louie
4. The Office (final Carell episodes in particular)
5. The Heart, She Holler
6. NTSF:SD:SUV::
7. Childrens Hospital

Best Fest (movies I saw at festivals that don't have a 2012 release date that I'm aware of)

1. Family Instinct (Andris Gauja)
2. Alps (Giorgos Lanthimos)
3. Oslo, August 31 (Joachim Trier)
4. Extraterrestrial (Nacho Vigalondo)

Best Action

1. Fast Five (Justin Lin)
2. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird)
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (David Yates)
4. Hanna (Joe Wright)
Honorable Mentions: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Redline

Best Comedy

1. Bridesmaids (Paul Feig)
2. The Muppets (James Bobin)
3. Repo Chick (Alex Cox)
4. The Sitter (David Gordon Green)
5. 30 Minutes or Less (Ruben Fleischer)
6. Our Idiot Brother (Jesse Peretz)
Honorable Mentions: The Catechism Cataclysm, Young Adult

Best Horror

1. Final Destination 5 (Steven Quale)
2. Megan Is Missing (Michael Goi)
3. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (Eli Craig)
4. The Woman (Lucky McKee)
5. Embodiment of Evil (José Mojica Marins)
6. Scream 4 (Wes Craven)
Honorable Mentions: Fright Night, Insidious

Best Short

1. The Legend of Beaver Dam (Jerome Sable)
2. Small Fry (Angus MacLane)
Honorable Mention: Hello Caller

Best Documentary

1. Tabloid (Errol Morris)
2. Cave of Forgotten Dreams 3D (Werner Herzog)
3. Project Nim (James Marsh)
4. American: The Bill Hicks Story (Matt Harlock & Paul Thomas)
5. Machete Maidens Unleashed (Mark Hartley)
6. Senna (Asif Kapadia)
Honorable Mentions: POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, Into the Abyss, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop

Sweatiest Performance

1. The Rock in Fast Five
Honorable Mention: Laurence Harvey in The Human Centipede II

Best Actor

1. Andy Serkis/CGI in Rise of the Planet of the Apes
2. William Fichtner in Drive Angry
3. Steve Little in The Catechism Cataclysm
4. Colin Farrell in Fright Night
5. Paul Rudd in Our Idiot Brother
6. Rainn Wilson in Super
7. Tyler Labine in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
8. Albert Brooks in Drive
Honorable Mentions: Nick Swardson in 30 Minutes or Less, Jonah Hill in The Sitter, Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love

Best Actress

1. Ellen Page in Super
2. Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids
3. Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids
4. Jaclyn Jonet in Repo Chick
5. Saoirse Ronan in Hanna
6. Emma Roberts in Scream 4
7. Anna Paquin in Margaret
Honorable Mentions: Amber Heard in Drive Angry, Elle Fanning in Super 8, Keira Knightley in A Dangerous Method, Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia

Best Fucking Film (Countdown!)
10. Tie: Fast Five! (Justin Lin) / The Muppets! (James Bobin)
9. Cold Fish! (Sion Sono)
8. Tabloid! (Errol Morris)
7. Attack the Block! (Joe Cornish)
6. Melancholia! (Lars von Trier)
5. Bridesmaids! (Paul Feig)
4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes! (Rupert Wyatt)
3.5. The Legend of Beaver Dam! (Jerome Sable)
3. Final Destination 5! (Steven Quale)
2. Love Exposure! (Sion Sono)

and, with a completely anticlimactic image to go with its win,

1. Super!!! (James Gunn!)

Super

2012-02-26T16:08:00.001-08:00

Super (2011, James Gunn, 35mm) - 9.5
A man (Rainn Wilson) is distressed because his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) has relapsed into the world of drugs, and is now living with slimy drug dealer Kevin Bacon. Inspired by the finger of God, he finds purpose in his life by becoming a real-life vigilante superhero named Crimson Bolt, who cracks criminals, or assorted assholes, viciously over the head with a wrench. A crazed comic book store employee (Ellen Page) figures out who he is, and insists on becoming his sidekick, Boltie, and together, they work to take down Bacon and his cronies, and get back Wilson’s wife. Wilson’s character is sad and appealing, and his performance is excellent, but it’s Page who steals the film. Her wildly enthusiastic character is as disturbing as she is uncomfortably arousing, and it’s a mind-blowing performance. Inspired by comic book sensibilities, the film is, more than anything, a sharp portrayal of mania and psychosis, that is heartfelt, shocking, incredibly funny, and unbelievably violent. It’s brilliant. The best film of the year.

Love Exposure

2012-02-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

Love Exposure (2008, Sion Sono, DVD) - 9.5
A four hour coming-of-age romance about upskirt panty photography and religious cults. A teenage boy, Yu, is looking for love with a pure-hearted girl, at the advice of his deceased mother. His father is a priest, who after a disastrous relationship, becomes depressed and strict, forcing his son to have daily confessions. Not satisfied with the amount of sins his son is confessing, the previously virtuous Yu has to start misbehaving on a regular basis to meet the sin quota that seems required of him. This eventually leads to upskirt photography, which he learns the art of through a martial arts style training montage, and becomes so good at, he’s hired by an actual porn production company, and becomes known as the Prince of Perverts. He then meets the girl of his dreams, a man-hating ass-kicker, but is in drag at the time as “Miss Scorpion” (an homage to the Meiko Kaji character). The girl is infatuated with Miss Scorpion, who she believes is a real woman, but is uninterested and creeped out by Yu, who by coincidence, has become her step-brother. Another girl, who has been spying on everybody, starts to get involved in the life of the family as well, and turns out to be a recruiter for a cult. It’s four hours long, but somehow never once drags, and the multi-faceted story is amazing. It’s primarily a love story, but encompasses so much more, managing to be funny, disturbing, bloody, and touching. May well be a masterpiece.

Final Destination 5

2012-02-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

Final Destination 5 (2011, Steven Quale, RealD) - 9.0
In this film, a group of workmates are riding a bus across a bridge that’s under construction, and one of them has a vision about the bridge collapsing and everyone dying a violent 3D death. So he convinces a bunch of them to get off the bus before the collapse, but Death is not feeling it, so it chases them down. This time, though, there’s a twist in that they may be able to take on someone’s else’s life expectancy by killing them instead. It’s not quite as grimly joyful and fun as the previous entry (still my favorite FD film) and I cared about the characters less than ever, but the death scenes are so fucking incredible and brilliant. Definitely the best in the series, and the gymnastics sequence is maybe one of the best death scenes from any movie. The ending was fantastic as well. I fucking love this movie.

The Legend of Beaver Dam

2012-02-26T16:05:00.002-08:00

The Legend of Beaver Dam (Short, 2011, Jerome Sable, DCP) - 9.0
A camp counselor tells his campers the legend of one-armed killer Stumpy Sam, who shows up to slaughter them, and the bullied outcast kid fights him to the death as they wail back and forth in a metal musical number. It’s fucking amazing.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

2012-02-26T16:05:00.001-08:00

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011, Rupert Wyatt, DCP/35mm) - 9.0
James Franco is a scientist, working on an experimental drug that he hopes will cure Alzheimer’s (which his father suffers from). There appears to be a breakthrough with one of the chimps he’s testing on (who is named Bright Eyes, the first of countless references to the original Planet of the Apes), but she freaks out and attacks everyone, so the project is shut down and the apes are put down. It turns out she was pregnant, and has given birth to a baby, who Franco takes in and names Caesar (also the name of the chimp who starts the ape revolution in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, though it otherwise sets up a different timeline than the sequels). Caesar has the drug in his system and immediately shows signs of extraordinary intelligence, leading Franco to try out the drug on his father (an excellent John Lithgow). It works for awhile, but the results start to fade, and Caesar ends up in ape prison after attacking someone in defense of Lithgow. In prison, Caesar grows frustrated with the state of things, and plots a mass escape, which leads into an action-packed revolt on the Golden Gate Bridge. This movie was fucking amazing. The setup of the story, and the way things come together is brilliant. And I don’t know who to give the credit to, the CGI team or Andy Serkis, but Caesar gives the most moving performance of the year. I also really loved all the references for me to nerd out on as a huge fan of the original, although Draco Malfoy’s delivery of “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape” was a bit much. Just having the “madhouse” line would have been sufficient. Little things, though, like a quick shot of Caesar playing with a Statue of Liberty toy, or the news in the background showing a space shuttle taking off (presumably with Charleton Heston inside), were handled flawlessly. A perfect sci-fi action film. Absolutely loved it.

Bridesmaids

2012-02-26T16:00:00.004-08:00

Bridesmaids (2011, Paul Feig, 35mm) - 9.0
Kristen Wiig’s best friend (Maya Rudolph) is getting married, and she’s chosen as the bridesmaid who has to plan the wedding shower, but she’s got some competition with Rudolph’s new close friend (Rose Byrne), who has more money and experience. There are some scenes/bits that stretch on a bit too long, but that’s my only real complaint. Otherwise, it’s funny throughout (her roommates probably made me laugh the most), and a great portrayal of lady friendship. The cast is awesome, with Melissa McCarthy really standing out, even making a shit joke really funny, which I don’t always go for. But mostly, it’s Wiig’s movie, and she’s brilliant in it. Completely hilarious and unbearably cute.

Melancholia

2012-02-26T16:00:00.001-08:00

Melancholia (2011, Lars von Trier, 35mm/DCP) - 9.0
It’s Kirsten Dunst’s wedding day, and her sister (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and very rich brother-in-law (Kiefer Sutherland) have thrown her an enormous party with a billion people, which I guess would be fun for some people, but to me and Kirsten’s character, it’s a fucking nightmare. Kirsten has some meltdowns, disappearing from the festivities, sometimes warranted because her parents are awful, or her boss is giving her a hard time, and sometimes just because she’s clinically depressed. Days later, it’s her sister who is more freaked out about things because a planet called Melancholia is hurtling toward Earth to destroy it, and even with a full 24 hours, there is nothing Kiefer can do to stop it. It’s incredibly bleak and depressing, and the first half with the wedding party is appropriately gross and painful, and it’s beautifully shot, and I fucking love the shit out of it. The final scene is amazing, and is best seen in a theater with the sound turned up so loud it feels like the world may actually be ending.

Attack the Block

2012-02-26T15:55:00.001-08:00

Attack the Block (2011, Joe Cornish, 35mm) - 9.0
Some young British hoodlums kill an alien, and then have to fight off a bunch of other aliens to protect their block. The movie opens with the teens robbing someone, and for a long while, though they’re occasionally funny, they’re really not likable characters. But the woman who is mugged in the beginning ends up involved with their group, and as she begins to forgive them, so did I, which I thought was a clever way to build empathy for people you initially wouldn’t mind seeing get eaten by aliens. It all feels very real, and the action and violence is really great, and the design of the aliens is fucking amazing. Block off some space in your schedule to check this one out!

Tabloid

2012-02-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

Tabloid (2011, Errol Morris, DVD) - 9.0
In the late 70s, Joyce McKinney, a beauty queen, became a tabloid star after flying to England to snatch her Mormon boyfriend away from the church, taking him to a remote cabin, chaining him to a bed, and attempting to fuck the Mormon out of him. The story is explored the way it was presented by the tabloids, as a sensationally lurid scandal of kidnapping, rape, and S&M, and McKinney also has the chance to tell her side of things, presenting it as a passionate love affair where she freed someone from an oppressive religion. The documentary displays both sides objectively, and where the truth lies remains murky, though it’s likely somewhere in the middle of the two versions. McKinney is endlessly fascinating and entertaining, and the layers to her story never stop building. A compelling and amazing documentary.

Cold Fish

2012-02-26T15:51:00.000-08:00

Cold Fish (2011, Sion Sono, HDcam) - 9.0
A meek man runs a fish shop and lives a dismal life with a wife and daughter who don’t get along. His daughter gets into trouble shoplifting, but is bailed out by a very chipper customer, who turns out to run a fish shop himself, and a much more successful one. He forces friendship and partnership onto the meek guy, and the meek guy soon discovers that the chipper guy, along with his wife, are murderous psychopaths, who want the meek guy’s help with like, murders and things. A tense, brilliant thriller that is extremely dark, violent, horrifying, and bloody. I adored it.

The Muppets

2012-02-26T15:50:00.002-08:00

The Muppets (2011, James Bobin, DCP) - 9.0
Jason Segel and his brother Walter are obsessed with the Muppets, and they travel (with Segel’s girlfriend, Amy Adams) to Hollywood to visit Muppet Studios, only to find it’s in disrepair, and an evil oil tycoon (Chris Cooper) plans to demolish it to drill for oil. They track down Kermit, who helps rally the rest of the gang to put on a fundraiser to raise enough money to keep their studio going. A sincere and loving tribute to The Muppet Show and previous Muppet films, and a hilarious, touching, bit of brilliant wonderment on it’s own terms, with great music, great Muppetry, and some great human performances by Masters of Charm Amy Adams and Jason Segel. FUCKING. LOVED IT.

Fast Five

2012-02-26T15:50:00.001-08:00

Fast Five (2011, Justin Lin, IMAX) - 9.0
Vin Diesel and Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are hanging out in Brazil, and they want to retire from their lives of fast cars and furious crime sprees, but they need to do just one more high-paying job of stealing an entire bank vault from a police station. They enlist the help of some friends from previous movies, who each have a unique, special skill that never actually comes into play during the film. There’s also a powerful drug lord after them, and a relentless FBI agent, played by The Rock, in the sweatiest performance I have ever seen. It’s phenomenally ridiculous, and has some of the best action scenes ever, including a fist-fight between The Rock and Vin Diesel, and sky-diving with a car instead of a parachute. Fucking epic.

The King's Speech

2012-02-24T03:13:00.002-08:00

The King's Speech (2010, Tom Hooper, 35mm) - 6.0
Colin Firth is a duke with a speech impediment and after failing to make progress with the royally-approved speech doctors, his wife finds commoner Geoffrey Rush, who successfully helps him improve. I despised every second of the trailer to this movie, and was very resistant to seeing it, but after enough recommendations, and the fact I had seen the other 9 Best Picture nominees of last year, I decided to give it a chance. With every movie I’m spending the time to see, I go in wanting to like it. I concentrate solely on the good, and a movie really has to fuck up to penetrate this and leave me unsatisfied. If I think there’s any chance ahead of time I won’t like a movie, or won’t be in some way glad to have seen it, I don’t fucking watch it. Do you know how many movies I have yet to see that I am confident I will love? The list borders on one gazillion. So why should I waste my time on something that’s about people I have no interest in (monarchy), with a trailer that appears to be nothing but an ad for how charming British quirkiness is when I could instead watch a horror movie that guarantees to be rewarding? I already answered that, but the point is once I’ve made a decision I don’t want to see something, it can be difficult to then watch it without being more critical than usual. There were a number of moments I didn’t like in The King’s Speech, and like, occasional camera angles that really bothered me. But I’m rarely nitpicky about camera angles, or individual imperfect moments, so I have some concern that my rating is not quite objective enough. But I still liked it, so I guess I shouldn’t be too concerned. I’m positive there’s no attitude I could’ve gone in with that would have left me blown away by this movie. I liked the friendship angle of the story.

Scissors

2012-02-24T01:48:00.001-08:00

Scissors (1991, Frank De Felitta, Laserdisc) - 7.5
Sharon Stone, a troubled woman with a doll obsession, is attacked by a man with a red beard in an elevator, and she fends him off by stabbing at him with scissors, which the attacker runs off with. Later, Stone reports to a high-rise apartment for a job. The apartment is deserted, and she soon finds that she is locked in, all the furniture is bolted to the ground, and the corpse of her attacker is lying in the bedroom with her pair of scissors sticking out of his back. As she tries desperately to find a way out, she begins hearing voices (including her cat’s) and freaking out, but is she actually crazy, or is this part of someone’s master plan to drive her crazy? It’s tense at times, but mostly sorta weird, and certainly enjoyable. Steve Railsback plays twins, and he’s very good.

Kaboom

2012-02-24T01:46:00.001-08:00

Kaboom (2011, Gregg Araki, 35mm) - 8.0
Thomas Dekker is a college student who lusts after his surfer roommate, but mostly has sex with girls, and he starts meeting people in real life who he had seen in his dreams, and this leads into a mystery involving his missing father, a secret society, and the apocalypse. Colorful, weird, highly sexualized, and somewhat unhinged, Araki seems to be calling back to his earlier works like The Doom Generation and Nowhere, which is enjoyable and appreciated. I’d say it’s not quite as bleak or memorable as those films, but it’s still very good, and the direction it ends up taking in the end is great.

The Last Dragon

2012-02-24T01:44:00.001-08:00

The Last Dragon (1985, Michael Schultz, 35mm) - 9.5
An extremely well-mannered young martial artist (Taimak) is searching within himself to find “the glow”, and he’s being harassed by a large, angry bully named Sho’Nuff, who wants to fight him to prove his Kung Fu supremacy. He also becomes acquainted with a local pop star (Vanity), who is being threatened by a manager trying to find fame for his own discovery and who eventually kidnaps Vanity, and Taimak has to save her by having a fluorescent showdown with Sho’Nuff. It’s completely amazing, and a blast to watch, and the main characters (and most of the side characters) are really adorable and sweet, and the bad guys are bombastic and hilarious. The cutest blaxploitation martial arts comedy ever; it’s so fucking great.

Beverly Hills Cop

2012-02-24T01:40:00.002-08:00

Beverly Hills Cop (1984, Martin Brest, 35mm) - 9.5
Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a Detroit cop who, against orders, travels to Beverly Hills to investigate the murder of a close friend of his. The Beverly Hills police force is uncooperative with his methods, but he’s able to outsmart them and do shit his own way, which seems to be a great deal more effective. It’s a fine 80s-style action-y cop film as is, but is elevated immensely by Eddie Murphy, who is fucking hilarious. Every character, down to the bit parts, feels fleshed out and funny, with Judge Reinhold and John Ashton as the cops assigned to keep an eye on Foley being major highlights. It’s Murphy’s show, though, and he’s brilliant, making it one of the greatest comedies of ever.

Lost Season 4 / Any Which Way You Can (Ambien Review)

2012-02-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

Lost Season 4 (Jeffrey Lieber, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams, Instant) - 10.0
Any Which Way You Can (1980, Buddy Van Horn, DVD) - 9.0
There A re a few things happening on the island, and just as crazy things happening off the island with the Oceanic 6 in the flash forwards. New characters are introcu fde from the gfreighter, like Jeremy Javies who is bring some fantastic new elements to the show, maybe next season. Guess I;kk kepp watchin’! It’s a shorter season, and like, crazy. Do they have to go BACK to the island to save their friends? OR DO THEY? LOST *ppuuh* Loved this season, dude.

I gotta addendum this one too with complaints of Ambieniningeniening out enough. Where’s the juice? THE AMBIEN GUNK JUICE. I just watched a movie called Any Which Way You Can and it was a masterpiece. Clint Eastwood and an orangutan named Clyde. It’s the movie every movie should be. Much better than its predessor Every Which Way But Loose. Very funny film with fighting, non-sensical rekindled relationships, an absurdist motorcycle gang, and total laugh out laughing loud. Much more hilarious film, and its just great. There’s a great love scene at a motel where Clint and Sondra Locke (tying it back to Lost here, right?) are in one room, Clyde and a female orangutan in another, Ruth Gordon and the motel’s owner in another, and Anne Ramsey and husband in another, all of them having sex at the same time. Beat that Scorsese. That multi-layered scene is pure 10” of uncut genius. AND, this is a istng in th e credits: ““Old Codger at Motel who flashed Clyde”. Beat it.

Every Which Way But Loose

2012-02-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

Every Which Way But Loose (1978, James Fargo, Blu-ray) - 7.0
Clint Eastwood is a streetfighter who can beat up anyone, and does so, like really often, and he usually steals or destroys their mode of transportation in the process, just for the hell of it. He falls for a country & western singer (Sondra Locke) who takes off before she even has a chance to meet his best friend Clyde (an orangutan). Not picking up on her rejection, he follows her across the country. Meanwhile, some cops and a motorcycle gang are following Clint because they’re pissed about getting beaten up by him. Also, Clint hangs out with an orangutan named Clyde, who literally serves no purpose to the plot (which isn’t especially developed to begin with) and is basically there to flip people off and be hilarious. I suppose he gives Clint’s ambiguously likable character some heart, since he seriously fucking loves that ape. The chemistry they have is amazing. And I guess he’s also there just to make it a better movie, because it’s really not that great, but having a random ape does give it a lot more entertainment value. More movies need to have random animals just hanging around.

Friedkin February: Cruising

2012-02-17T01:21:00.000-08:00

Cruising (1980, William Friedkin, DVD) - 9.0
A serial killer is targeting gay men in the S&M scene, so Al Pacino is sent undercover to investigate, in this thriller of controversy. There are aspects of the story that could be read into as offensive, but I think it’s actually way ahead of its time in that the leathery gay underground is merely the setting for a seedy New York murder thriller, and no overt statements are actually made about homosexuality one way or the other. It’s not exactly going to win over someone who’s homophobic, but it’s not trying to, and there’s something refreshing about a mainstream film showing men making out with, blowing, and fisting each other, with complete nonchalance. As for the quality of the film, you had me at “seedy New York murder thriller,” Friedkin. It’s fucking great, nicely unfolding the gritty mystery (which, once unfolded, is then ripped apart and scattered at the end), and exploring Pacino’s struggles with undercover life. It’s also got an awesome punk soundtrack, and without question, the most insanely incredible interrogation scene of all time.

Burning Bright

2012-02-16T03:32:00.000-08:00

Burning Bright (2010, Carlos Brooks, DVD) - 8.0
Garret Dillahunt buys a tiger from Meat Loaf, using money that was supposed to be for his step-daughter’s (Step Up 2 The Streets’ Briana Evigan) college and step-son’s specialized school for autism. One night, while Dillahunt is out, the tiger gets loose in their locked-down hurricane-enforced house, and Evigan has to keep herself and her autistic younger brother who screams when touched, from getting mauled. Like a home invasion movie, but the invader is a fucking tiger. It’s very tense and claustrophobic, and Evigan is excellent. Really good.

Seed of Chucky

2012-02-16T03:28:00.000-08:00

Seed of Chucky (2004, Don Mancini, Projected Blu-ray) - 10.0
The orphaned offspring of Chucky and Tiffany finds out his/her parents are in Hollywood, on the set of a new Chucky movie starring Jennifer Tilly (playing herself), so s/he heads out to find them and bring them back to life. The androgynous Glen or Glenda is somewhat of a disappointment for the parents, due to his/her sweet nature, and they try to teach the kid their family values of homicide. Hilarious, gory, and delightfully tasteless, satirizing Hollywood and openly dealing with transgender issues, with John Waters in a sleazy bit part as a paparazzo and a fearlessly self-mocking performance from Tilly, Seed of Chucky is one of best, most enjoyable horror-comedies of all time. Fucking flawless.

Hatchet II

2012-02-16T03:26:00.000-08:00

Hatchet II (2010, Adam Green, Blu-ray) - 9.0
The Final Girl from the first Hatchet (now played by Danielle Harris) returns to the bayou with a large group of hunters to put a stop to the crazed mutant killer Victor Crowley. Most of them don’t make it. Hatchet is one of my favorite slashers, but the sequel is not as funny or charming, and doesn’t have a particularly engrossing story. However, it nearly doubles (maybe actually does double) the amount of kills, with just as much creativity and just as little cgi (none). The gore in this movie is remarkable, and more than makes up for any shortcomings. Gore goes a long way for me when it comes to slashers, so if I weren’t comparing this to the original, I’d probably think it was perfect.

Single White Female

2012-02-16T03:24:00.000-08:00

Single White Female (1992, Barbet Schroeder, Roku) - 7.0
A SWF (Bridget Fonda) needs a new roommate in her Manhattan apartment after breaking up with her boyfriend Steven Weber, who cheated on her. The girl she finds is a JJL (Jennifer Jason Leigh), who appears sweet and friendly at first, but slowly starts showing signs of creepiness, eventually dressing like her and getting the same haircut. And when Fonda tries to kick her out, she loses her shit and becomes dangerous. Very good thriller, and Jennifer Jason Leigh is always great.

Dolores Claiborne

2012-02-16T03:20:00.000-08:00

Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King - 8.0
Dolores Claiborne, a woman in her 60s, is under investigation for killing Vera Donovan, the wealthy older woman she worked for. She tells the police a very long story about her employment under the cantankerous Vera, and her relationship with her husband, who she admits to murdering many years previous during an eclipse, because he had molested their daughter. Told entirely through Claiborne’s Maine-accented voice, without any break in text, it’s an interesting and dark story, with some exhilarating moments (the murder). Though it is, on occasion, way way way too wordy, like when it spends about 30 pages describing an old woman’s shitting habits.

E.T. The Vagina

2012-02-14T01:07:00.000-08:00

E.T. The Vagina (1996, Ildiko & Siegfried Entinger, Download) - 7.5
According to the credits, the full title is The E.T. of Vagina: One Settles of the Other World, or Specially Terrestrian: The Extraterrestrial One.

An extra-terrestrial is sent to Earth to learn about human behavior, and is taken in by some people in a castle, who teach her everything she needs to know about the subject by having sex in front of her and calling everything “tasty”. It’s essentially pretty boring whenever E.T. is not onscreen, and she mostly just watches the other people. The highlights are obviously when we get to see E.T. herself getting fucked and sucking dick. The E.T. costume is a phenomenal work of art, seemingly made with latex dipped in trash. I’ll be honest, this isn’t a great movie. But it is a worthwhile film simply because the bizarre costume is so fucking captivating. And more importantly, this movie exists! Sure, I wish it were better, but just knowing that E.T. The Vagina is a real thing makes me appreciate life.

Friedkin February: The Night They Raided Minsky's

2012-02-12T15:53:00.000-08:00

The Night They Raided Minsky’s (1968, William Friedkin, DVD) - 7.0
In the 1920s, a girl (Britt Ekland) from a strict Amish family, runs away from home, and heads to New York to be a dancer, finding herself at a burlesque show. The show is at risk of being shut down by the Secretery of Decency, so they decide to advertise an especially dirty show, ensuring a police raid, but what they actually present will be the dancing of Ekland, whose only experience is interpretative Bible dancing, thus embarassing and discrediting the Decency people. In the end, Ekland inadvertently invents the striptease. It’s a fun, charming movie, mainly focused on a love triangle between the cutely naïve Ekland and the show’s two comic performers, Jason Robards and Norman Wisdom, with a few excellent burlesque numbers shown.

Friedkin February: The Guardian

2012-02-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

The Guardian (1990, William Friedkin, DVD) - 8.0
A couple with a newborn baby hire a nanny, who appears to be the perfect person for the job, but she is actually a Druid tree monster who is planning to sacrifice the baby to the forest. There’s some really great stuff in here, like the tree violently killing rapists, or the tree itself being chainsawed and spraying blood everywhere, and it’s a good story, too. Really fun horror movie, and my second favorite film from 1990 about evil Druids and vegetation (after Troll 2).

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

2012-02-06T17:09:00.001-08:00

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010, James Nguyen, Download) - 7.5
A computer engineer meets a fashion model, and they start dating just as the Earth comes under attack by birds driven crazy by global warming in this environmentally conscious thriller. When warranted, I will defend unconventional acting (Tommy Wiseau’s style, for instance, is way too insane to be simplified as “bad”), but the acting in Birdemic is pretty terrible. It might even be as bad as the cg birds, which look truly appalling. The movie is not especially well directed, either, and has some pacing issues. But the dialogue is hilarious, at least, and it’s generally very entertaining. So I still really liked it. At one point, the characters walk out of a movie theater, and one of them says, “Man, that was a good movie. An Inconvenient Truth.” And I can’t deny that when this one ended, I came out of it thinking, “Man, that was a good movie. Birdemic: Shock and Terror.”

Gold Diggers of 1933

2012-02-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933, Mervyn LeRoy, 35mm) - 8.5
Some chorus girls are out of work due to the Depression, and a producer is trying to set up a show for them, but has no money. They find a wealthy songwriter (Dick Powell) who is willing to both compose music for and fund their show, but wants to keep what he’s doing from his family. His brother finds out anyway, and comes to town to try to break up his relationship with one of the lowly showgirls (Ruby Keeler), but mistakes her for Joan Blondell. Amazing musical numbers by Busby Berkeley ensue. The opening number with Ginger Rogers singing in pig latin is fucking outstanding.

42nd Street

2012-02-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

42nd Street (1933, Lloyd Bacon, 35mm) - 9.0
A backstage drama about a musical production, where a struggling director is hired to make what needs to be a hit for all involved. After the lead actress breaks her ankle, a risky decision is made to replace her with a newcomer (an adorable Ruby Keeler). Keeler is great, as is Ginger Rogers in a bit part. It’s lively and enchanting, and I can see why Paul Verhoeven would list this as his primary influence on Showgirls. The musical numbers (choreographed by Busby Berkeley) are amazing.

Memento

2012-02-06T17:05:00.000-08:00

Memento (2000, Christopher Nolan, 35mm) - 9.5
A victim of an assault that left his wife dead and his memory fucked, a Guy (Pearce) tries to track down his wife’s killer, relying on notes, polaroids, and tattoos to keep track of evidence and who around him is trustworthy, in a mind-blowing thriller told backwards. Extremely dark, compelling, and entertaining, while still bringing in some commentary on the unreliable cloudiness of memory, and all told remarkably well through it’s complex, but follow-able, reverse-order gimmick. A fucking brilliant film.

Seven

2012-02-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

Se7en (1995, David Fincher, 35mm) - 8.5
Morgan Freeman is a detective about to retire, and Brad Pitt comes in to replace him, but first they have to team up to investigate a serial killer who is killing people in ways related to the seven deadly sins. A wonderful crime thriller that’s nicely gritty and gruesome, and super 90s.

Catfish

2012-02-05T03:05:00.000-08:00

Catfish (2010, Ariel Schulman & Henry Joost, Blu-ray) - 9.5
A photographer receives a painting in the mail of one his photos from a little girl who contacted him through Facebook. He begins interacting with her and her mother, and then her older sister, who he builds a romantic relationship with, developing feelings for her. He communicates with the family only through Facebook, the mail, and the telephone (he is in New York, they are in Michigan), and things begin to seem amiss, giving him reason to believe that the family may not be exactly as they appear. Along with his friend and his brother (the film’s directors), they head out to Michigan to investigate, and uncover the truth. I won’t spoil what they find exactly, but it presents a brilliant portrait of redefining yourself on the internet and mental illness (that’s vague enough not to be a spoiler, right? I genuinely don’t want to say too much about what happens, and I hate the argument that it’s ok to spoil something if it’s been out “awhile”. Not everyone is able to see every single movie they want to see up to the present day. For example, I still haven’t gotten around to watching Roundhay Garden Scene. I know. It's been out since literally the invention of cinema. But I haven't made the time yet. Please do not tell me what happens.) The lead guy we’re following is not especially likable or sympathetic, which can be irritating, but the story is so unbelievably compelling, and the mystery is so brilliantly unfolded, that it’s really not relevant. And despite his occasional attempts to glorify himself (the scene where he “forgives” the culprit for hurting him is fucking ridiculous), the movie is not about him. It’s much deeper than that. It’s something truly special, and really fucking great.

As for the legitimacy of the movie, I don’t know. By which I mean, I don’t fucking know why it’s an issue. While watching it, it never occurred to me to question that this was a real story. And now that I’m familiar with the controversy around it, and the internet’s claims that it was all staged, it still has not occurred to me to question it. Everything about it rings true, and there are too many weird little details that I can’t believe someone would think to include if they were making the story up (let alone, the three guys responsible here). And why? Why would the filmmakers make up this particular story? Wouldn’t it be a lot more sensational if it was fictional? The story is fascinating, but it’s not exciting. I guess I just don’t see any reason to cast doubt in this instance. Why? WHY, INTERNET? Why are you so suspicious of random shit? I’m guessing that in a case like this, it only took one person to claim the movie was “totally photoshopped”, and these sentiments spread because no one wants to look like an idiot for being deceived by it. They don't want to be like the guy in the movie, to tie it all together. But it doesn’t make you a lesser person to be fooled by something. The guy in the movie is not a lesser person because he was deceived (he's a lesser person because he's a douche.) If that were true, then everyone who doubts this movie would be lesser people because they have been fooled by the internet. Because the internet is fucking wrong and Catfish is definitely for reals.

I find it all somewhat maddening, but this phenomenon of doubt for the sake of doubt does provide an interesting counterpart to the movie, since after all, it's about both the internet and deception (to me, the film is really about mental illness, but you know, those other things are involved too). And this lasting discussion certainly adds on to how strong of a documentary it is.

Coffin Joe-anuary

2012-02-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

José Mojica Marins has made a ton of films, but I only focused on the horror films he's best known for. They're all good, but become a bit redundant as his obsessions (occultism, Hell, snakes & spiders, torture) show up again and again, without much variety to how they're presented. The films are also pompous, simplistic, and immature, which can be charming, but can also grow tiresome after awhile. And it doesn't especially make his work in other genres seem appealing. I guess I'm still curious, though, and wish I had made time to at least see his apparently quite thoughtful religious drama Finis Hominis, or his pornographic comedy 24 Hours of Explicit Sex, which sounds crazy and offensive. But it's too late now. What am I supposed to do, watch them in Joe-ebruary? Anyway, I do really like his movies overall, and his latest film, Embodiment of Evil, was the greatest. If you don't know any of his work, I'd definitely recommend starting with his main trilogy (At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul, This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse, and Embodiment of Evil). I also recommend asking for any of his movies at a video store, because all of his titles are so absurd and amazing, and funny to ask for out loud.

Reviews:
At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul (1964)
This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse (1967)
Macabre Nightmare (from Trilogy of Terror) (1968)
The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968)
Awakening of the Beast (1970)
Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978)
Embodiment of Evil (2008)

Ranked:
1. Embodiment of Evil (2008)
2. This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse (1967)
3. The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968)
4. Macabre Nightmare (1968)
5. At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul (1964)
6. Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978)
7. Awakening of the Beast (1970)

Up next: Friedkin February a.k.a. William Febriedkinuary.

Alejandro Januowsky

2012-02-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

I had already seen most of Jodorowsky's work, so all I actually watched this month was one feature film (Tusk), one short (La Cravate), and some footage from a performance art piece he did in the 60s (Teatro Sin Fin). I wrote reviews for Fando y Lis and Santa Sangre, which I watched/rewatched (respectively) last year, and punched up my reviews of El Topo and The Holy Mountain from five years ago (all links below). I saw The Rainbow Thief a long time ago, and remember hating it, so I didn't bother to revisit it. So, honestly, it wasn't much of a "Januowsky".

I think he's an interesting director, and I can appreciate what he's done with the cinematic formula, but aside from Santa Sangre, I kinda don't like him that much.

Reviews:
La Cravate (1957)
Fando y Lis (1968)
El Topo (1970)
The Holy Mountain (1973)
Tusk (1980)
Santa Sangre (1989)

Ranked:
1. Santa Sangre (1989)
2. The Holy Mountain (1973)
3. La Cravate (1957)
4. El Topo (1970)
5. Tusk (1980)
6. Fando y Lis (1968)
7. The Rainbow Thief (1990)

Polish posters of Fando y Lis, El Topo, and The Holy Mountain.

Coffin Joe-anuary: Embodiment of Evil

2012-01-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

Embodiment of Evil (2008, José Mojica Marins, DVD) - 8.5
Picking up 40 years after the events of At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul and This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse, Coffin Joe is released from prison and continues his adventures in killing and soul-searching in this conclusion to the Coffin Joe Trilogy (the character shows up in many other Marins films, but this is the only official sequel). Much older and fuller-bodied, and sticking with the top hat, cape, and long fingernails that make him look ridiculous in the outside world of the modern age, CJ’s goals remain the same. Find a woman who is completely without fear, and impregnate her. But does he have time to subject all these women to fear tests and have murder parties before he’s taken down by the corrupt, child-killing police? Will he get a chance to sew up a naked woman inside of a pig corpse before he’s killed by a masochistic priest? Can he find a moment to cut off a woman’s ass cheek and feed it to her while being haunted by the ghosts of previous victims (who appear in black-and-white, with an effect that looks amazing)? Sure.

This is likely Marins’ best film, or at least my favorite of what I’ve seen. It retains the craziness and bloodlust of his earlier work, but is much more polished, with better gore and excellent effects work. I like his other movies, but they’re a bit messy or clunky, and here, it feels like Marins may be working with an actual film crew for the first time, rather than trying to do everything himself, and it pays off with an entertaining, extremely bloody, worthy conclusion to his pivotal trilogy.

Alejandro Januowsky: Tusk

2012-01-30T20:50:00.000-08:00

Tusk (1980, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Download) - 4.0
An elephant named Tusk and an English girl are born on the same day in India, and they like each other. At the start, it seemed like it might be a kids’ movie about a little girl and her friendship with a young elephant, which actually sounds pretty good to me, but they’re both grown fairly early on. Throughout the movie, everyone wants to capture or kill Tusk, and the woman frequently shows up to yell at him to fight back and escape, and that’s pretty much all that happens. It’s ok. But it could’ve been much shorter, and I wish there had been way more focus on the interspecies friendship.

Coffin Joe-anuary: Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind

2012-01-30T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978, José Mojica Marins, DVD) - 6.0
A man is having dreams about Coffin Joe trying to take his wife away, so some psychiatrists have Marins (playing himself) come in to assure him Coffin Joe is only a character. That bit of plot only takes up about ten minutes, and the entire rest of the film takes place in the guy’s dreams, showcasing an endless Hellish orgy of dismemberment, screaming, naked ladies, ladies in their underwear with tarantulas crawling all over them, nearly naked men falling down stairs, people vanishing onscreen via cheap camera tricks, graphic cannibalism, and a great deal of footage from previous Coffin Joe movies. It’s a little tiresome, but interesting and different at least.

Suggested Taglines: Die Sister, Die!

2012-01-30T02:18:00.000-08:00

Die Sister, Die! (1972).

Suggested Taglines:
Go ahead and SCREAM, “AMANDA, it can’t help you now!” She really needs to hear it.

If These Walls Could Rape…

Get Your Hands On My Sister!

Daddy’s Little Girl Is About To Be Slaughtered By Daddy’s Biggest Disappointment

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Run Through Your Brother’s Handy Hallway of Grabby Glory Holes…

Season of the Witch

2012-01-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

Season of the Witch (2011, Dominic Sena, 35mm) - 6.0
Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are wise-cracking, incorrigible knights who are assigned to escort a witch (who is suspected of causing the Black Plague) to a group of monks. Cage believes she may be innocent, but then suspicious things start happening on their journey, calling that innocence into question. Is the girl a witch? Or is the asshole religious guy accompanying them the witch? Or are Witches not even in Season? Spoiler alert: I don’t actually remember how it turns out. The final showdown with some brand of flying creature is exciting, but the majority of the movie feels very light. Perlman and Cage give light performances, and the troubles they come across on their fantasy road trip are light and un-extraordinary. At times, this can be hysterically baffling, like the wolves that transform into… meaner wolves (a wolf-werewolf?), but it’s not enough. It’s an enjoyable film, just doesn’t stand out. Halloween III is better.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

2012-01-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010, Jon Turteltaub, Blu-ray) - 8.5
Nicolas Cage is an immortal sorcerer, and protégé of Merlin, who has been waiting for centuries to find the Prime Merlinian to help him defeat the dark-sided douches Morgana and Alfred Molina. The Prime Merlinian turns out to be the Baruchellian Merlinian (Jay Baruchel), who is very anxious about being a sorcerer. Incredibly fucking fun fantasy adventure movie. Loved it. Baruchel and Cage are both excellent, and Nic’s hair looks fantastic.

The Ipcress File

2012-01-25T19:47:00.000-08:00

The Ipcress File (1965, Sidney J. Furie, Projected DVD) - 7.0
Michael Caine is a reluctant, surly spy who is assigned to locate a missing scientist who has a confidential file in his possession. He ends up captured by the enemy and submitted to brainwash-torture. Low-key, but harrowing at times, and Caine is very good. An interesting spy thriller. I like it better than the Bond films of the time.

Get Carter

2012-01-25T19:46:00.000-08:00

Get Carter (1971, Mike Hodges, 35mm) - 6.5
Jack Carter (Michael Caine) is a ruthless gangster seeking revenge for his brother’s murder, and the people he’s seeking aren’t happy about it. I wasn’t particularly moved by it, but I admired it’s grittiness and how every character (especially the barely-a-protagonist Carter) is an asshole. Definitely has it’s charm, just didn’t love it.

I Love You Phillip Morris

2012-01-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

I Love You Phillip Morris (2010, Glenn Ficarra & John Requa, 35mm) - 8.0
Jim Carrey is a con man who, while in prison, meets and falls in love with fellow inmate Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor). Once released, they start a life together, but Carrey is constantly getting into trouble, and thrown into jail, leading to some incredibly clever and creative escapes. A highly entertaining con artist story and a charming love story. Really fucking good.

Coffin Joe-anuary: Awakening of the Beast

2012-01-24T04:14:00.000-08:00

Awakening of the Beast (1970, José Mojica Marins, DVD) - 6.0
A panel made up of journalists, a psychologist, and Coffin Joe are discussing the influence of drugs on violence and perversion. Four volunteers are chosen to take an acid voyage through Coffin Joe’s brain. Something like that. Bizarre and meandering, with some pretty good stuff in it, but ultimately forgettable.

Coffin Joe-anuary: The Strange World of Coffin Joe

2012-01-24T02:56:00.000-08:00

The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968, José Mojica Marins, DVD) - 8.0
A collection of three different stories, hosted by Coffin Joe. The first is about some criminals breaking in to the home of a dollmaker to rob him and rape his daughters, but they’re killed instead and their eyes are used for dolls. The second is a quirky tale of a homeless guy stalking some woman, who ends up being murdered on her wedding day, so the homeless guy fucks her corpse. The third one is about a professor (played by Marins) trying to prove to a couple that anyone will abandon love if they’re caged, tortured, and starved for long enough. The stories are very simple and straightforward, but strange and short, and it’s really great.

James Brown & Michael Jackson: Still At War

2012-01-19T05:40:00.000-08:00

My short film, James Brown vs. Michael Jackson, is now over five years old. Revisiting it, I thought, Why did I insist on using the name Placenta? I was into the alias for whatever reason, and I can forgive myself for using it as a director credit, but as an actor in the movie, I'm playing myself, so it drives me crazy that "Placenta" is what's written on the scoreboard. It's so embarrassing! Everything else that occurs in this movie, though? Still proud. If you've never seen it, then watch it right now to find out what I'm referring to. This is ten minutes of your life you WILL get back.

The password to watch is mj.

There are deleted scenes on this page, if you need more.

Alejandro Januowsky: La Cravate

2012-01-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

La Cravate (Short, 1957, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Download) - 6.5
A man (Jodorowsky) goes to an exteme hairstylist, who replaces people’s entire heads, and he gets fitted with a series of different ones, trying to impress a woman. She’s dissatisfied with all of them, though, so he tries to get his original head back, but it’s missing. Outside of a bizarre plot, there’s really no surrealism or symbolism, so no scenes of midget amputees stabbing vaginal fruit with a crucifix and drinking frog blood or anything. But it remains a very endearing film, just in a more conventional way.

Coffin Joe-anuary: Trilogy of Terror

2012-01-13T02:20:00.000-08:00

Trilogy of Terror (1968, Ozualdo Ribeiro Candeias/Luís Sérgio Person/José Mojica Marins, Download) - 5.0
Three short films of terror from Brazil. The first one, The Deal, was boring and didn’t make much sense. There’s some loose storyline about a deal being made with bearded, naked women, but it’s mostly just a bunch of scenes of attempted rape. The second one, Procession of the Dead, is more coherent, but still not great. It’s about a kid who finds the corpse of a guerrilla, and the town is afraid there are more of them, but the kid’s dad doesn’t believe it. The third one, Macabre Nightmare by José Mojica Marins (Coffin Joe), is a whole lot better. It’s about a guy who has nightmares about being buried alive, so he goes to a voodoo ceremony to find a cure. Things seem to be looking up, but then he and his fiance are attacked by freakish gang-rapers, and his nightmare ends up coming true. It's a lackluster collection, but maybe worth it for CJ's portion.

Coffin Joe-anuary: This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse

2012-01-10T17:53:00.002-08:00

This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse (1967, José Moica Marins, Download) - 8.0
Coffin Joe moves to a new town, and he’s desperate to have a son with a perfect and godless woman, but all the women he kidnaps are too scared of spiders for his tastes, so he kills them with snakes. One of these women puts a curse on him, so even when he does find a fertile mate, things don’t quite work out, and he takes a surreal, nightmare visit to Hell. The Coffin Joe character is misogynistic and seemingly pro-life (he is completely devastated and sickened when he finds out a woman he killed had been pregnant), which is off-putting, but I guess it’s kind of ok to actually see a cinematic bad guy have terrible qualities beyond wanting to kill people. Marins plays him with charm, regardless, and it’s overall a great watch, if slightly long.

Fish Tank

2012-01-10T17:53:00.001-08:00

Fish Tank (2010, Andrea Arnold, DVD) - 8.5
A poor, hot-tempered teenage girl is dissatisfied with life, and trying to find some solace with dancing, and her mom gets a new boyfriend (Michael Fassbender) who is charismatic, but may have some underlying issues with creepiness. It’s really good, and the girl in it is great.

Easy A

2012-01-10T17:52:00.001-08:00

Easy A (2010, Will Gluck, Blu-ray) - 8.5
A nerdy high school girl (Emma Stone) lies to her friend about losing her virginity, which is overheard by a Christian girl (Amanda Bynes), who spreads the word through school. Using her new “slut” status, she charges a small fee to help out outcasts and abused gays by claiming to have slept with them. But problems arise when one dick thinks she actually has sex for money and tries to force himself on her, and another dick tries to blame her for an STD he actually got from the school guidance counselor (Lisa Kudrow). An incredibly witty and enjoyable high school comedy. Emma Stone is awesome, and Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson are hilarious as her parents.

I'm Still Here

2012-01-10T17:47:00.002-08:00

I'm Still Here (2010, Casey Affleck, Roku) - 7.5
Joaquin Phoenix decides to retire from acting to focus on a rap career, and in the process, acts really dumb and irritating. Phoenix is often unpleasant to watch (though his unkempt hair is an endless delight), but it’s got some funny moments in there, and it’s an interesting experiment he and director Affleck did, if only because it’s weird and different. I wish I had seen it before the official announcement that it was all a hoax, because I would’ve enjoyed trying to decide for myself, and I honestly have no idea what conclusion I would’ve reached. All the hype around the movie before I saw it still added to the experience, though. I’m Still Unclear on if there was supposed to be a message to the whole thing. Was there something about media over-exposure or people being willing to believe whatever is told to them about a celebrity? Cuz like, nobody knows shit about Joaquin Phoenix, why shouldn’t we believe what we’re shown? And besides, we (the people) didn’t believe it. Lots of people thought it was a hoax from the very beginning, which I think (and I’ll mention this again in my Catfish review) is more interesting. Why should anyone doubt anything about fucking Joaquin Phoenix’s personality? In the movie, especially, he comes off as more of a complete idiot than crazy. Is it hard to believe that a famous actor could be an idiot? But whether or not they were trying to get anything across, I think it’s obvious that the primary reason Affleck and Phoenix pulled this prank on the media and a pop culture audience was just because they could, because they’re famous. And I respect that. And though the film itself can be frustrating, it’s an intriguing watch, and I really liked it.

I Am Comic

2012-01-10T17:47:00.001-08:00

I Am Comic (2010, Jordan Brady, Roku) - 8.5
Informative and funny documentary about what it means to be a professional stand-up comedian, framed around a comic from the 70s trying to get back into it. Lots of great interviews. It’s really good, and pertains to my life/possible long-term career path right now, so if I hadn't seen it already, I would definitely recommend I watch it.

Suggested Taglines: Scrubbers

2012-01-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

Scrubbers (1983).

Suggested Taglines:
They Go In Dirty. They Won’t Get Out Until They’re All Washed Up.

Beaten. Brutalized. Ravaged. Swiffered.

It’s a Crime What Mr. Clean Can Do To a Girl

Nobody Wants No Scrubbers

A Scrubber is a Girl Who Can’t Get No Love From Society

Hangin’ Out the Shower Stall, Shoved Up Against the Wall, Trying to Holler For Help As the Lesbian Warden Rapes Her

A Scrubber is a Girl Who’s Doin’ Time, Always Plannin’ a Jail Bust-er

Oh Sorry, Am I T-Bozering You? Clean the Fucking Toilets Or I’ll Give You the Red Dyke Special. I’ll Make You Tongue-Chase the Waterfall of Menstrual Blood and Chili Creepin’ Down My Leg Until There’s Nothing Left, I Mean It.

These Girls Are CrazySexyClean. They Are Also Criminals.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

2012-01-06T23:36:00.000-08:00

Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961, Blake Edwards, 35mm) - 7.5
Audrey Hepburn is a socialite who is maybe a call girl, and she meets an aspiring writer who is maybe a call boy, and he’s into her, and she likes him too but only wants to be with rich guys. I know it was 1961, but I get really fed up with movies alluding to things without giving clear answers. Did they fuck people for money or what? I mean, I'm sure they did, but it’s not spelled out for me, and that is horrible. I wish them being prostitutes had been made as explicitly clear as it was that Mickey Rooney was Asian. Besides that, it’s actually a really cute love story, and Audrey Hepburn is great. The cat steals the film, though. The shot of him in the rain is a heartbreaker.

The Fighter

2012-01-06T23:33:00.000-08:00

The Fighter (2010, David O. Russell, 35mm) - 8.5
Mark Wahlberg is a boxer, being poorly managed by his mother (Melissa Leo) and older brother (Christian Bale), who was once a great boxer but is now a crack addict, and they set him up with bad fights where he gets badly beaten. Encouraged by his new girlfriend (Amy Adams), he finds better management, which causes a falling out with his family, but he eventually finds the right balance to keep everyone involved and still reach some success. Bale’s performance is fucking unbelievable, and he is scary convincing as an annoying, troublesome drug addict. My favorite bit of subtlety in his performance is a scene where they’re having a serious family meeting, and Bale’s hand is cupped over his dick the entire time. It’s done naturally, with no attention drawn to it, and no one else I asked noticed it, so be sure to look out for that if you’re ever watching this movie. And even beyond Bale, it’s a really fucking great, hard-hitting (pun intended) boxing drama.

Chloe

2012-01-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

Chloe (2010, Atom Egoyan, Blu-ray) - 6.0
Julianne Moore suspects her husband (Liam Neeson) is cheating, so she hires an escort named Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) to seduce him so she’ll know for sure. When Chloe reports back to her with stories of her successful affair, Julianne Moore finds herself turned on, and attracted to Chloe herself, though she finds out how dangerous this can be when it turns out Chloe may be somewhat unstable. Objectively, it’s pretty silly and stupid and barely likable, but as a seeming homage to 90s erotic thrillers, I can’t help but admire it. This movie is so 90s, and to that end, I was a little amazed. But in the end, when it comes time to reveal a character’s crazy obsession, it holds back, not going as far as the better 90s films went. Definitely not a great movie, but worthwhile if you like the genre it’s pulling from, or if you want to constantly see the side of Seyfried’s tits.

Alejandro Januowsky: Santa Sangre

2012-01-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

Santa Sangre (1989, Alejandro Jodorowsky, 35mm) - 9.5
A boy growing up in the circus witnesses his mother throwing acid on his father’s genitals after catching him cheating, and the father cuts off her arms in retaliation and then kills himself. The boy ends up in a mental hospital later in life, until escaping and reuniting with his mother, who he props himself behind and uses his own arms as hers, and together they kill some people. Much more coherent than Jodorowsky’s earlier works (El Topo and Holy Mountain), but with just as many striking, disturbing, and beautiful images. His surreal style remains the same, but for me, has way more impact this time since it fits into a great story. His other films are too lyrical and poetic for me to find appealing, but the balance he finds in Santa Sangre is perfect. It defines its own rare strain of horror film, and it’s fucking brilliant.

Alejandro Januowsky: Fando y Lis

2012-01-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Fando y Lis (1968, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Projected DVD) - 4.0
A guy and his paralyzed lover wander around the desert looking for a mythical city, and come across various freaks on the way. Some interesting imagery, but mostly too slow.

2011 Survey

2012-01-05T03:02:00.000-08:00

1. Was 2011 a good year for you?
Some moments of very high stress, but as a whole, I suppose it was good.

2. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Stand-up comedy.

3. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Having issues with social anxiety, it's hard enough just talking to people I don't know well, and even more uncomfortable to be funny in social situations, and I guess I don't look like a funny person, so people tend to think I'm being serious even if I say something blatantly sarcastic. After the second time I did stand-up, and did really well, I realized that there was a room full of strangers who didn't know a single thing about me, but they knew I was funny, and that felt fucking amazing. Then after the third time I did it, and did really well again, and even dealt with a heckler, I started to feel like it was something I could do and be good at. I need people to think I'm funny, and it's pretty much the only thing I need or want people to know about me (besides my opinions on movies, maybe) and now, thanks to the stand-up, I've been slightly more confident showing that side of myself in everyday life. So even though I've had some terrible sets since those early ones, those two moments were extremely important.

4. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The process of moving to L.A. was a fucking nightmare.

5. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution was to move to L.A. and I did it! It was also, less officially, to try stand-up, which I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but I did that too.
This year, my resolution is to write jokes on a more regular basis, and to tweet more, and get more followers on twitter @wolfsothern. And also to make some money, with like, anything.

6. What are your plans for 2012?
More twitter. More acting. Take an improv class.

7. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Gross. No.

8. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But these are the celebrities that died that I liked the most: David Hess, Tura Satana, Charles Napier, Frances Bay, Macho Man Randy Savage, Uncle Frank (from Jimmy Kimmel), Sidney Lumet, Flattus Maximus, Ken Russell.

9. What date in 2011 will remain etched in your memory?
April 12 was my stand-up debut.

10. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving to L.A. Public speaking.

11. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to make an effort to find another job despite financial desperation. I should probably do something about that.

12. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Just poverty.

13. What was the best thing you bought?
Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, like a hundred times.

14. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Marc Maron.

15. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Nothing specific to last year, but people who talk during movies is my eternal answer.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Sleepaway Camp on 35mm at Midnight Mass.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
Fatter or Thinner? Always fatter.
Happier or Sadder? Still in a period of adjustment, so I can't really say.
Richer or Poorer? The poorest I have ever been.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Movies and sketches and writing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spent less time thinking of an answer to this question when I don't think there is one.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In San Diego.

21. How did you see in the New Year?
Work, and then Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me with Erin.

22. What was your job this year?
Manager/Projectionist/Webmaster for the Balboa. Projectionist for the Red Vic, which is now closed :(. Projectionist for the Downtown Independent.

23. What was your favorite month of 2011?
Paul Verhovember.

24. ~~How many one-night stands?~~ How many one-night movie marathons (3 or more movies at a theater)? (question improvement by Erin)
13.

25. What was your favorite TV show?
Parks and Recreation, Lost, Eagleheart, Floris, Twin Peaks.

26. What was/were the best book(s) you read?
The Ruins by Scott Smith.

27. What was/were the best concerts you went to?
Nilbog at Cinefamily. Blue Man Group at Golden Gate Theater.

28. What did you want and get?
An apartment in L.A.

29. What did you want and not get?
A parking space.

30. What was your favorite film this year?
Of the year: Super. That I saw this year: Deadly Friend.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
29. I watched a movie from the year of my birth (Vice Squad), then had dinner with family.

32. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
A lot more money.

33. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Probably Kirsten Dunst.

34. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?
More acting and comedy opportunities.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
"Something is very wrong with society when it's illegal to put this joint in my mouth and smoke it up, but it's perfectly ok for a man to put another man's dick in his mouth, all the way to the balls." - a paraphrased Wildman Steve in Six Thousand Dollar Nigger. I just loved seeing this in the theater because people always get exceedingly excited at any mention of weed, but then the second part came along and totally bummed them all out and made them feel like assholes for cheering. There's really not much of a life lesson here. Marijuana and homophobia both make me feel shitty, but if one can ruin the other for someone, there's still good in the world? I don't know.

2011 Stats

2012-01-03T04:12:00.000-08:00

Here are some stats for how I spent my 2011. The arrows indicate how it compares to last year's numbers.

Movies seen for the first time: 246.5 (↑1)
Movies rewatched: 61 (↓26)
Total: 307.5 (↓25)
Movies seen in the theater (including rewatches): 169.5 (↓34.5)

Short films watched: 48 (↑15)
Short films rewatched: 3 (↓5)

Audio commentaries listened to: 12 (↑11)
Seasons of TV watched: 19 (↓9)
Books Read: 6 (↓2)
Plays Seen: 2 (↑1)
Concerts Gone To: 3 (↑1)
Comedy Shows Gone To: 19 (↑11)

Watched the most movies in October (45).
Watched the least movies in July (14).
Watched the most movies in the theater in October (29).
Watched the least movies in the theater in December (7).

First movie watched in 2011: The People Under the Stairs (starring Everett McGill and Wendy Robie from Twin Peaks)
Last movie watched in 2011: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (not starring Everett McGill or Wendy Robie from Twin Peaks)

Top Ten Best Films I Watched for the First Time*
1. Deadly Friend (1986)
2. Mac and Me (1988)
3. Reform School Girls (1986)
4. The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)
5. Captain EO (1986)
6. The Six Thousand Dollar Nigger (1979)
7. Memento (2000)
8. Death Spa (1990)
9. Boxer's Omen (1983)
10. The Fly (1986)

*Some of these I had seen before at some point in my life, but I either didn't remember them or was affected by them in a different way this year, so it felt like "the first time." This doesn't include 2011 releases, by the way.
Also, and this isn't related to the asterisk, but I saw three of these films within a 24 hour period, which is kind of crazy.

Pie Charts
I normally do Countries and Ratings as well, but they always look exactly the same every year, so it doesn't seem that interesting anymore. I know Decades and Formats also look essentially the same every year, but I like them more.

Full breakdown of formats
35mm: 110
DVD: 56
Blu-ray: 13
Roku/Instant: 36
TV: 3
VHS: 6
DCP: 31
Projected Blu-ray/Other HD: 16
Projected DVD: 10
IMAX: 1
Download/DVD-R: 21
70mm: 1
16mm: 2
Laserdisc: 1
Of those, 10 were in 3D (9 DCP, 1 70mm)

As for Countries, the places I watched the most films from besides the US are the UK, Canada, Germany, and France.

As for Ratings, I liked 94% of everything, and didn't see a single film I hated.

Speaking of ratings, I'm changing my system slightly (and actually already started a few weeks ago). Basically, I'm trying to give less 9.0s, which used to mean simply "loved it", because sometimes I'll notice I gave a 9.0 to something I may have legitimately loved at the time, but don't feel it's an "incredible" film in retrospect and I don't want to cheapen such a high rating by giving it out so freely like a film-hungry slut. So, you're gonna be seeing a lot more 8.5s probably. I'm also trying to use the 7.0 more. Sometimes I can't really tell the difference between if I liked a movie or really liked it, so I just give everything 8.0 if I thought it was at all good, and then if I do give something a 7.0, people think I hated it. But there's going to be a lot more 7.0s and 7.5s coming up, and those are still good movies.

Here's the new template:
1.0 - Fucking hated it, the absolute worst
2.0 - Hated it
3.0 - Really disliked it
4.0 - Didn't like it
5.0 - Not good, not awful
6.0 - Liked it a bit
7.0 - Liked it a lot
8.0 - Basically loved it
9.0 - Really loved it
10.0 - Loved the fucking shit out of it, perfect

Amy Decemberling

2011-12-31T03:06:00.000-08:00

Like Landis (with An American Werewolf in London), Heckerling also directed one of my very, very favoritest movies of all time ever, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, as well as Clueless, which I didn't get a chance to rewatch and review this month, but it is also a major favorite. So she had a pretty good track record with me, because those were the only two films of hers I had seen and they are both perfect. I've now seen every feature she's directed, including A Night at the Roxbury, which she produced and seemed pretty involved with and I guess directed some scenes, and I've started watching the Fast Times TV series, which she directed a few episodes for. Her other films may not be as amazing as Fast Times and Clueless, but almost all of them are great (Look Who's Talking Too is the only disappointment). She's pretty incredible, and definitely extremely underrated as a writer/director.

Reviews:
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Johnny Dangerously (1984)
European Vacation (1985)
Look Who's Talking (1989)
Look Who's Talking Too (1990)
Loser (2000)
I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007)

Ranked:
1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
2. Clueless (1995)
3. Look Who's Talking (1989)
4. Loser (2000)
5. I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007)
6. Johnny Dangerously (1984)
7. European Vacation (1985)
8. Look Who's Talking Too (1990)

Next month: Alejandro Januowsky and Coffin Joe-anuary.

John Landiscember

2011-12-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

I made a list awhile ago of the films it was most absurd I hadn't seen yet, and Landis had several on the list. An American Werewolf in London is one of my favorite movies ever, but I hadn't seen any of his classic comedies. I didn't complete his filmography this month, but I watched the important ones, and other than Animal House, they were all pretty good, with Coming to America and the lesser-known Into the Night being my favorites. I definitely like him much more as a horror director than a comedy director, but I'll watch anything he does at this point, and will eventually catch up with his older stuff (I didn't watch any of his 90s work). His latest, Burke & Hare just came out on DVD, so I'll be reviewing that soon.

Reviews:
Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)
Animal House (1978)
The Blues Brothers (1980)
An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Trading Places (1983)
Thriller (1983)
Into the Night (1985)
¡Three Amigos! (1986)
Coming to America (1988)
Dream On Season 1 (1990)
Black Or White (1991)
Innocent Blood (1992)
Slasher (2004)
Deer Woman (2005)
Family (2006)
Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project (2007)

Listed from Best to Least:
1. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
2. Thriller (1983)
3. Innocent Blood (1992)
4. Family (2006)
5. Black Or White (1991)
6. (tie) Into the Night (1985) / Coming to America (1988)
7. Deer Woman (2005)
8. Trading Places (1983)
9. The Blues Brothers (1980)
10. ¡Three Amigos! (1986)
11. Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)
12. Slasher (2004)
13. Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project (2007)
14. Animal House (1978)

John Landiscember: Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project

2011-12-30T07:36:00.000-08:00

Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project (2007, John Landis, Roku) - 6.0
Lots of interviews about the career of Don Rickles. I was familiar with who Rickles was, but had never seen his actual act before, and this gives a good sense of who he is on stage, and why he’s influential. It covers his life and career to a certain extent, but doesn’t delve into anything too deeply, and is primarily a puff piece. The majority of the film consists of celebrities talking about how hilarious he is. There’s interesting stuff that comes out of this. I loved that he’s such close friends with Bob Newhart, since they’re so different stylistically. It’s fun to see big names like Clint Eastwood and Robert DeNiro talking about comedy, and there’s a great moment with Martin Scorsese laughing uncontrollably while describing something Rickles did on Johnny Carson. But as a documentary, I would’ve liked to have seen something more substantial. I also kind of had a lingering bitterness just thinking about Joan Rivers, and feeling like she was underappreciated. They’re very similar, and they came up in show business around the same time, but Rivers is, without a doubt, a much better comedian. But it’s a completely unfounded complaint, because she’s perfectly successful, and even has her own, way better, documentary. So I don’t know what my deal is. Just don’t take Joan Rivers for granted, you guys. She’s awesome.

John Landiscember: Coming to America

2011-12-30T07:34:00.000-08:00

Coming to America (1988, John Landis, DVD) - 8.5
Eddie Murphy is an African prince with a lavish, pampered life, who is set to marry a woman he has never met, and who is trained to obey him. Dissatisfied with this, he leaves home for America to find a woman with a sense of free will, and who loves him for who he is. So with his assistant (Arsenio Hall), he rents a modest apartment in Queens and gets a job at a fast food restaurant, hiding his wealth from a woman he’s fallen for. Murphy’s character is sweet and lovable, and the whole movie is surprisingly sincere and good-natured. The comedy never gets too broad, keeping it grounded, and it’s just a really endearing and highly enjoyable comedy, with some amazing outfits (James Earl Jones wears what seems to be almost an entire lion). Fucking great movie.

John Landiscember: Family

2011-12-30T05:37:00.000-08:00

Family (2006, John Landis, Roku) - 8.5
George Wendt is a serial killer in suburbia, living with skeletons of his victims, who he imagines interacting with him. A couple moves in across the street from him, and he becomes obsessed with the woman, and starts plotting how to kill off his current imaginary dead wife and replace her with the new neighbor. George Wendt is fucking awesome, and it does a great job of showing what’s going on in the head of a monster who is passing himself off as a normal and kind person to the outside world. Like with the wife-switch, I fucking loved the idea that he’s so psychotic he has to murder the skeleton of someone he’s already murdered. I wasn’t into the ending. The idea of it was ok, but it didn’t indulge in it enough. Besides that, though, it’s really fucking great.

John Landiscember: Deer Woman

2011-12-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

Deer Woman (2005, John Landis, Roku) - 8.0
Brian Benben is investigating a series of grisly murders where men are left in an unrecognizable bloody heap, sporting an erection and covered in hoof tracks. The culprit turns out to be a a mystical deer woman, who appears as a beautiful Native American woman up top, but has the powerful legs of a deer, and gets guys to sleep with her even though she’s unable to speak. (Men…) A novel concept, and a really fun, bloody horror movie. And there’s a nice reference to American Werewolf in London.

Amy Decemberling: I Could Never Be Your Woman

2011-12-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007, Amy Heckerling, DVD) - 8.0
Michelle Pfeiffer is a tv producer, and she casts a relative unknown (Paul Rudd) on her show, giving him his start, and they hit it off and start dating, despite an age difference (not sure if there’s a deliberate connection to Heckerling launching Rudd’s career with Clueless). Meanwhile, Pfeiffer’s daughter (Saoirse Ronan) is having middle-school relationship drama of her own. Like Loser, it sets up conflicts of misunderstanding (organized by a jealous receptionist (who Pfeiffer is really nice to!)), but they’re resolved quickly before I can get too frustrated. It’s a really smart, solid comedy that attacks the Hollywood system a bit and seems to have some anger toward Mother Nature (played, perhaps unnecessarily, by Tracey Ullman) as well. The characters are all great in this movie, and their interactions are very real and charming. Pfeiffer’s relationship with her daughter is especially great. Heckerling is the absolute best at creating lovable characters, and choosing actors I’m always very fond of. I love her. And I really enjoyed this movie.

Amy Decemberling: Loser

2011-12-30T05:29:00.000-08:00

Loser (2000, Amy Heckerling, Roku) - 8.0
Jason Biggs is an overwhelmingly nice guy from a small town, and he goes off to college in New York, where he has terrible date-raping roommates who he doesn’t fit in with, and he falls for Mena Suvari, who is the only person who’s nice to him, but she’s in a pseudo-relationship with an asshole professor (Greg Kinnear). I really like Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari, and they’re definitely at their most likable here, and I like that they mostly get along. This is apparently not a normal opinion, but with romantic comedies or any story about relationships, if I like both characters, then I just want to see them being a cute couple together, and I find conflict really uninteresting. So like, in this movie, it sets something up where Suvari stands Biggs up for a date because she’s drugged at a party, and then one of Biggs’ former roommates is like, “Yeah, that girl’s a slut, and she was wasted instead of going on a date with you.” Classic rom-com misunderstanding where no one trusts each other and everyone gets unnecessarily hurt. But here, Suvari tells Biggs she was drugged, and he’s like, “I believe you, because my former roommates are dicks, and I’m glad they didn’t date-rape you, because they usually do that.” Crisis averted, I love it! There is the conflict of her dating her professor, but it’s a more believable scenario. I think it’s just misunderstandings that drive me crazy. The assholes in the film are insanely awful people, and that’s great, too. It’s a good contrast for how lovable the leads are. This is a really fucking charming film.

John Landiscember: Kentucky Fried Movie

2011-12-30T05:25:00.001-08:00

Kentucky Fried Movie (1977, John Landis, DVD) - 7.0
A series of comedic sketches of varying length and quality. There are some huge eye-rolling misses, but there are definite hits, too, and I was surprised how much of it had stuck with me from when I saw it ages ago. And even when it’s not hysterical, it’s endearingly chaotic, and I couldn’t help liking it. The fake trailers for Catholic Schoolgirls in Trouble and Cleopatra Schwartz were definite highlights.

Comedy Cult at Home Room

2011-12-29T05:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight! December 29! I'm doing stand-up at Home Room in Los Angeles! I'll be cracking hysterical jokes about the 2012 apocalypse and Jesus and I have no idea what else yet. It starts at 9pm, come look at it!

Michael Jackson: Video Greatest Hits - HIStory

2011-12-29T04:13:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson: Video Greatest Hits - HIStory
Billie Jean (1983, Steve Barron) – 7.0
The Way You Make Me Feel (1987, Joe Pytka) – 7.0
Black or White (1991, John Landis) – 9.0
Rock With You (1979, Bruce Gowers) – 7.0
Bad (1987, Martin Scorsese) – 9.0
Thriller (1983, John Landis) – 10.0
Beat It (1983, Bob Giraldi) – 8.0
Remember the Time (1992, John Singleton) – 7.5
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough (1979, Nick Saxton) – 7.0
Heal the World (1992, Joe Pytka) – 6.0
Collection of Michael Jackson music videos and short films. The regular music videos aren’t necessarily that spectacular, but the ones that are short films are pretty amazing, and it’s interesting to sit down and really take them in. Like, the video for Bad is 17 minutes long. That’s a lot of set up for why Michael’s dancing in a parking garage. And like, George Wendt and Macauly Culkin are in the video for Black or White. I had no idea! It’s fucking great. And the video for Thriller... Everyone knows it’s a great video, and I knew it was a great video, but it’s fucking amazing. All the horror elements, and the choreography is so brilliant, and it’s just fucking so perfect, and it’s really one of the best short films ever. I recommend it! Seriously, watch it start to finish, it’s phenomenal.

Captain EO

2011-12-29T03:31:00.000-08:00

Captain EO (Short, 1986, Francis Ford Coppola, 70mm 3D) - 10.0
Captain EO (Michael Jackson) is traveling to a distant, industrial planet with his cute alien space crew, and when they get there, the Supreme Being (Anjelica Huston) wants the crew turned into trash cans, and EO to be tortured for 100 years. But Michael battles her and her henchman with song and dance, and transforms her and the planet into something prettier. It’s fucking fun and amazing and completely holds up and the 3D is incredible, and it's very overwhelming (though I'm sure it's considerably less -whelming when not in 3D at Disneyland).

John Landiscember: Dream On Season 1

2011-12-29T03:28:00.000-08:00

Dream On Season 1 (Marta Kauffman/David Crane, John Landis/Kevin Bright, Youtube) - 8.0
Brian Benben plays a divorced book editor getting back into dating, and his thoughts are displayed by way of old movies and tv shows. There are some weird episodes that seem underdeveloped, but it’s mostly really good, and funny, and the cutting-to-old-movies gimmick works well, and Benben is perfect as an attractive, affable lead.

Treevenge

2011-12-28T04:37:00.000-08:00

Treevenge (Short, 2008, Jason Eisener, Download) - 9.0
It starts off with a redone version of my favorite song of all time, the Cannibal Holocaust Theme, playing over the opening credits. Then Christmas trees in the forest are shown being brutally chopped down by lumberjacks, who are cruel and abusive toward the trees in hilariously over-the-top ways, as the trees squeal in pain and protest (their cries are translated and subtitled for us). But come Christmas, the trees takes their revenge on every nearby human or animal, in fantastically gory ways. Really fucking funny, and the gore is seriously outstanding. A new Christmas favorite. I loved the shit out of this.

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas

2011-12-27T00:06:00.000-08:00

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (Short, 1995, Larry Osborne, Youtube) - 8.5
A live-action Christmas musical from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, with incredibly bad costumes and production quality. It’s about the Turtles realizing they need to get Splinter something for Christmas. Occasionally, there are kids around for no reason. The songs, which are pretty much non-stop, are amazing. It’s all fucking amazing. When you're ready to watch it, it can be found on youtube. Here's Part 1.

Suggested Taglines: Don't Open Till Christmas

2011-12-24T02:55:00.000-08:00

Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984). This is one of my favorite Christmas movies. It’s about someone killing people dressed as Santa, and it’s super sleazy and great. Here’s a clip.

Suggested taglines:

Don’t Open Till Christmas… And Don’t Use Such a Big Knife, You Weirdo!

Don’t Open Till Christmas… Although You’ve Probably Figured Out By Now It Was a Puppy

Someone’s Killing Santas On the Streets of London… and Giving a New Meaning to Christmas Stalking

You Better Give Up, You Better Not Try, It Won’t Be Abrupt, When You Watch Santa Die.

Someone Thinks Santa is a Real St. Dick

Santa’s Been Buried Alive… and He’s Very Claus-trophobic

Frozen

2011-12-23T23:37:00.000-08:00

Frozen (2010, Adam Green, Blu-ray) - 9.0
Three friends are out snowboarding one day, and they take the last ski lift up the hill of the night, and everything ends up shut down while they’re still on the way up, and they’re stranded on the lift, high above ground, in freezing cold weather, with no one coming back for a few days. They struggle to survive through the night and beyond, with some horrific and occasionally gory results. Inventive and super fucking tense. Really loved it.

Screwballs

2011-12-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

Screwballs (1983, Rafal Zielinski, Blu-ray) - 8.0
Five high school boys get detention for various perverted reasons, and while there, they make a pact to somehow see the tits of the prudish Purity Busch. Pretty funny with some absurd gags, and plenty of nudity, including a game of strip bowling where someone gets their dick stuck in a bowling ball.

Silent Night, Deadly Night

2011-12-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984, Charles E. Sellier Jr., Projected DVD) - 10.0
A young, incredibly adorable boy named Billy witnesses his parents being killed by a man dressed as Santa Claus (after being warned by his supposedly catatonic grandfather that Santa punishes those who have been naughty.) Later in life, after being raised in an orphanage with abusive nuns, he gets a job at a toy store, and one Christmas, his boss insists he dress up as Santa. Wanting to do a good job, but mentally unstable and unclear on what Santa’s duties are, Billy goes on a killing spree. The kills are great (there’s a sledding beheading and someone strangled with Christmas lights), but the real charm of this film is the sweetly endearing Billy, who is the most sympathetic killer of all time. His troubled life has left him damaged and confused. He kills without malice, not knowing any better. He is merely punishing the naughty because that is his understanding of what Santa Claus does, and he wants to be a good employee at the toy store. The film is often overlooked as a campy slasher, and it does fit in to that. It’s a very fun movie. But underneath it all, there’s a sad character portrait that breaks my heart by the end. It’s fucking amazing. My absolute favorite Christmas movie, and one of the greatest, most underrated movies ever.

Amy Decemberling: Look Who's Talking One and Too

2011-12-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

Look Who's Talking (1989, Amy Heckerling, Download) - 9.0
Kirstie Alley has a baby with a married man, who is unavailable for fatherhood, and so she dates around trying to find her son a father figure, not realizing the perfect candidate is John Travolta, who was her cab driver when she went into labor, and then stuck around in her life, as a friend and babysitter. Throughout it all, Bruce Willis narrates the baby’s thoughts. It’s really funny and really fucking charming, and Kirstie Alley is awesome in it. The talking baby aspect is the least intriguing part, but Willis’ vocal performance really makes it, and it’s just as great as the rest of the movie. Definitely one of my new favorite romantic comedies, and the only one where a fetus wonders how to blow himself.

Look Who's Talking Too (1990, Amy Heckerling, Roku) - 5.5
Alley and Travolta have another kid, voiced by Roseanne, and Alley’s brother (Elias Koteas) comes to stay with them. There’s really no story beyond that, and most of the movie is either Alley and Travolta fighting with each other, or jokes about potty-training. Most of the jokes are about fucking potty-training. This may sound like the most absurd critique ever, but the humor in this talking babies movies is way too juvenile. Kirstie and Travs are still great to watch together when they’re not arguing, and it’s got some good moments, like the random dance number with Travolta and Gilbert Gottfried, but there’s just not much substance. Disappointing after the fantastic first film.

John Landiscember: ¡Three Amigos!

2011-12-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

¡Three Amigos! (1986, John Landis, VHS) - 7.5
Three silent film stars respond to a job offer in a small town in Mexico, thinking they’re just going to put on a show, but they’ve actually been mistaken for actual bandit-fighting heroes by the small town, who are being tormented by the villainous El Guapo. Realizing what they’ve actually been hired for, the Amigos bravely decide to go ahead and fight the bandits, using knowledge and experience gained from their filmography. There are a few good scenes, with the highlights being the musical numbers (one in a bar, and one with singing & dancing animals), some good lines, and some out-of-nowhere weirdness I really liked (a singing bush and invisible swordsman), that keep it pretty funny. And it’s all just really likable.

John Landiscember: Slasher

2011-12-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

Slasher (2004, John Landis, DVD) - 7.0
Documentary on a renowned used car sales-specialist, who is flown in to help move cars off struggling lots with his dramatic “slasher” sales. His methods are questionable, and his beer- and cigarette-damaged voice is appalling, but it’s an interesting character study, and a sharp portrait of a business and culture I knew nothing about.

John Landiscember: Into the Night

2011-12-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

Into the Night (1985, John Landis, DVD) - 8.5
Jeff Goldblum plays an insomniac who drives to the airport one night while bored and frustrated with sleeplessness, and ends up helping out a woman in trouble (Michelle Pfeiffer) who is running from killer Iranians who want the emeralds she has smuggled in her vagina, and he accompanies her on an overnight adventure as she tries to sort her shit out. I love Goldblum and Pfeiffer (who looks fucking amazing here), and anything pertaining to insomnia has an easy appeal for me (appropriately, without even knowing what it was about, I started watching this movie at 4am). And this is a very charming thriller, with lots of fun cameos, mostly by other film directors (including Amy Heckerling, of Amy Decemberling fame). Landis himself is a hilarious highlight as one of the Iranians. Definitely my favorite non-horror Landis so far, and it’d make a good late-night double feature with After Hours.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

2011-12-20T04:07:00.000-08:00

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010, Jalmari Helander, 35mm) - 4.0
Some archeologists in Finland dig up something important, and a local boy believes they have found Santa Claus. At first, this is an exciting prospect, but after doing some research, he finds out Santa is a crazy sadist who tortures children. Meanwhile, children in town are starting to disappear and reindeer are being slaughtered. Of course, no one believes the main kid that Santa is behind all this, so he sets a trap to catch him. The adults then take over when he captures an emaciated old man with a white beard who totally appears to be an evil Santa.

But he’s not. He’s one of Santa’s elves. And this is where the film starts to disappoint. I won’t spoil it, but imagine if like, in The Dark Knight, Batman and all the people of Gotham were super-scared of the Joker because people who worked for him were doing some shady things, but he wasn’t doing anything himself because he was frozen. And there was a fucking ton of build-up to him becoming unfrozen, and he was thawed out enough that you could make out his make-up and tell that he looked pretty scary, and you were really looking forward to this epic showdown they were clearly fucking building toward, but then, instead of the Joker thawing out and fighting, they just blow him up, and you never get to fucking see ~~Evil Santa Claus~~ The Joker, so basically THERE IS NEVER ANY THREAT AND NO ONE IS IN ANY DANGER. What the fuck? It’d be like if, in Friday the 13th, some camp counselors were like, “Hey, did you hear a boy drowned in that lake once?” and someone was like, “Oh, wow, crazy.” and then the movie ended. It’s a disappointing movie that doesn’t deliver what it promises, is what I’m getting at.

I really wanted to like it. I absolutely love the idea of a weird, dark children's fairy tale relating to Christmas. It’s got a great concept, with novel ideas, and some of the best kind of disturbing creepiness all great children’s films need. Like, there's a scene with lots of naked old men (Santa’s elves) herding around a little boy, which should be great stuff, but even that scene is frustrating because it makes no sense. It's a moment where the kid is supposedly sacrificing himself, and is gonna die. But he’s not sacrificing shit, because the elves never actually harm any kids! All they is do is put them in bags and take them back to Frozen Claus, who the kid knew was about to be blown up, so who fucking cares. Frozen Claus is not a threat.

The ending makes no sense either. Again, I won’t say what happens (for real this time), but what it comes down to is that the movie can’t make up its mind if this is a universe where regular people believe in Santa or not. I’m the last person ever in the world to actually notice a plot hole, but jesus fuck. It has it’s moments, but this movie is retarded.

Amy Decemberling: European Vacation

2011-12-20T04:03:00.000-08:00

European Vacation (1985, Amy Heckerling, DVD) - 6.5
The Griswold family wins a vacation to Europe, and they bumble around, getting involved in hijinx. It’s nothing too special, but it’s funnier than the original Vacation, and Chevy Chase is a lot better in it. Like the first one, though, the kids are the best part. It’s good.

John Landiscember: Trading Places

2011-12-20T04:02:00.000-08:00

Trading Places (1983, John Landis, DVD) - 7.5
Dan Aykroyd is a successful businessman working in stocks, and Eddie Murphy is a street criminal. Aykroyd’s two extremely wealthy bosses make a wager about heredity vs. environment, by setting up Aykroyd to lose everything in his life, and giving it all to Murphy, to see how they function in their new surroundings. Murphy eventually discovers the scheme, and along with Aykroyd, their butler, and a gold-hearted hooker (Jamie Lee Curtis) Aykroyd has befriended, they hatch a plan for revenge. It’s entertaining, with some funny moments and a likable cast. It’s really good. And it takes places around Christmas!

Deathstalker

2011-12-18T02:15:00.000-08:00

Deathstalker (1983, James Sbardellati, 35mm) - 7.0
Deathstalker is a barbarian with a sword that makes him invincible, and he’s trying to find some other stuff some witch wants, so he goes to like a barbarian convention where they’re all gonna fight to see who’s best. The owner of the castle where the convention is keeps trying to kill Deathstalker because he knows DS is the best and is gonna woo away his favorite harem slave. All the ingredients are here for an incredible movie. There’s topless sword-fighting, orgies, sweaty muscle men, sorcery, and a magical sex change. But it’s strangely bland and lacking of charm. It’s a good movie, just didn’t excite me.

Time Bandits

2011-12-18T02:14:00.000-08:00

Time Bandits (1981, Terry Gilliam, 35mm) - 8.0
A troupe of dwarves, who have stolen a map of the universe’s time portals from their employer, the Supreme Being, are hopping around through time to steal riches. Great fantasy adventure, and an amazing ending.

The Princess Bride

2011-12-18T02:13:00.000-08:00

The Princess Bride (1987, Rob Reiner, 35mm) - 8.0
Robin Wright is kidnapped and forced into an engagement with a shitty prince (Chris Sarandon), and her old lover (Cary Elwes), now disguised as a pirate, swashbuckles his way to saving her, facing off against monsters and swamps and thieves and such, and befriending a swordist (Mandy Patinkin) and a giant (Andre the Giant). A fun and sweet adventure story.

Never Let Me Go

2011-12-18T02:08:00.000-08:00

Never Let Me Go (2010, Mark Romanek, 35mm) - 8.5
Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, and Keira Knightley grow up together at a special school for kids with a pre-determined future. The story is intriguing and I really liked the pace at which it unraveled, and how it’s essentially a sci-fi story, but in a very subtle way. It’s also super fucking depressing. Loved it.

The People Under the Stairs

2011-12-18T02:05:00.000-08:00

The People Under the Stairs (1991, Wes Craven, Roku) - 9.0
A young black kid’s family is poor, so Ving Rhames convinces him to help rob the house of the kid’s landlords, who have gold coins stashed away. But once in the house, it turns out the owners (a wonderfully over-the-top Wendy Robie and Everett McGill) are fucking crazy, and keeping people in the cellar (under the stairs), and there’s no way to get out. But the kid teams up with Rayann from My So-Called Life and a stairperson who has found a way to navigate around the house through the walls, and is determined to fix the situation. Some great dialogue (mostly from Ving Rhames) and performances, and a unique story. Fucking great.

Christmas Evil

2011-12-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas Evil (1980, Lewis Jackson, 35mm) - 8.0
A man, traumatized as a child when he saw Santa Claus having sex with his mother, is now obsessed with Christmas. He works at a toy company, and spies on neighborhood children to keep track of who has been naughty or nice. Dressing up as Santa one Christmas Eve, he has a breakdown and starts killing people. It’s sort of a horror film, but really more of a sad character study, showing a sympathetic lead gradually melting down. Like if Travis Bickle was obsessed with Christmas. It's a unique and disturbing holiday film. Check it out!

Amy Decemberling: Johnny Dangerously

2011-12-14T01:40:00.000-08:00

Johnny Dangerously (1984, Amy Heckerling, Roku) - 7.0
Michael Keaton is a well-intentioned nice guy in the 1930s who turns to crime, becoming a successful gangster, in order to pay his mother’s medical bills. He then has to face off against his little brother (Griffin Dunne) who has become District Attorney, while dealing with rival Danny Vermin (Joe Piscopo). Very goofy, very light gangster spoof with a few gags that don’t work, but are rarely groan-worthy, and enough decent laughs to keep it a pleasant watch. Keaton is great, and shows again that he may be the most likable actor of all time, and the rest of the cast is solid, too.

John Landiscember: Animal House

2011-12-11T22:48:00.000-08:00

Animal House (1978, John Landis, DVD) - 3.5
Two college guys are joining a fraternity, but the first one they try is too prissy and doesn’t want them, so they go to a rowdier one who accepts them. This fraternity does stuff, and gets in trouble I guess, and are at risk of expulsion because their grades are bad. The problem with the movie is that it doesn’t really commit to anything. There’s sex and t&a but it’s far from outrageous, the “wild” character (John Belushi) does little more than smash beer cans on his head and make faces, the villains aren’t all that villainous, and the supposed “outcasts” are completely bland and have no distinctions (I honestly couldn’t tell some of the characters apart). I guess it’s like this because it’s realistic. For people who are/were in fraternities, it’s probably an amazing movie with a lot of shit they can relate to, and maybe that helps them find it funny, too. But I don’t give a fuck about fraternities, so I need something more exaggerated to keep me interested. Basically, this movie just reminded me how fucking good Revenge of the Nerds is. It’s a much better version of the same basic story, that is much more fun, embraces being a sex comedy, has meaner, more ridiculous bad guys, and has extremely distinct, charismatic outcasts. Things happen in Animal House, so it’s not completely boring, but for me, it had nothing to offer.

John Landiscember: The Blues Brothers

2011-12-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

The Blues Brothers (1980, John Landis, 35mm) - 7.5
One of the Blues Brothers (John Belushi) gets out of prison and the other Blues Brother (Dan Aykroyd) picks him up, and they find out the orphanage they grew up in is going to be closed down unless they pay the $5,000 they owe in taxes, so the Brothers set out on a “mission from God” to get their band back together and stage a big show to raise the money. Along the way, they make some enemies, and end up being chased by Nazis, a country-and-western band, cops, and a mysterious woman who keeps trying to blow them up. The musical numbers (and musician cameos) are really great, it moves fast, and there’s tons of exciting car chases and crashes. I didn’t find it especially funny, but it’s extremely entertaining.

Suggested Taglines: Fatal Games

2011-12-09T03:55:00.000-08:00

Fatal Games (1984).

Suggested Taglines:
Someone’s Winning a Gold Medal in Murder.

Someone’s Winning a Gold Medal in Synchronized Slitting and Figure Stabbing.

These Athletes Don’t Stand a Chance in the Corpsecathlon.

The Only Medals You Win This Year are Gore, Slicer, and Bronze.

More Like the Gorelympics! High Five!
(more taglines should ask for high fives)