Thursday, October 23, 2014

Ghost Story

This is a story about an old friend of mine, by the name of Simon.

Simon was fat. He was bald. And he was a dirty beast.

I was just 12 years young at the time, nubile, supple. Simon used to tell me I had a mouth that could suck water out of a running garden hose.

I was like, “That doesn’t even sound like a compliment, Simon. It sounds like you’re saying I do the bare minimum with blowjobs. Like, I just put it in my mouth and wait for the cum to start spraying.”

And Simon was like, “You think your suck skills are better than that? Prove it.”

And I was like, “Siiiimon. Come on. We’re just pals. And I am but 12 years young. No sex stuff! Besides, you have jaundice or something, and I don’t know if that’s contagious.”

And he was like, “Well, sorrrrry, fuckin’ princess. I didn’t know you were so pure.”

And I was like, “Well, I am. I am a little angel, and I’m gonna be a virgin forever and ever.”

And let me tell you, this drove Simon absolutely wild. He began to weep. He was drooling like crazy, and his tears came out thick, possibly semen. His cock was so hard, it ripped through his pants and popped out, spewing joy mucus. Fluids were dripping from everywhere imaginable. I was like, “Simon! Get it together, man.”

And he was like, “Austin, you are such a beautiful angel, and it is torture to know I will never be able to touch you. How can I live like this? With so much burning desire? It is obvious what I need to do. I need to eat my genitals. Pass me my chainsaw.” I passed him his chainsaw.

He pulled the starter rope. Burruppapapapapa. Burruppapapapapapa.

The chainsaw started whirring and he pressed it against his left outer thigh, just below the hip, cutting off his entire leg. I was like, “I thought you were just taking off your genitals, this seems really excessive.”

And he said, “I haven’t eaten all day, I may as well have a full meal.” Then he kept cutting, past his groin and across his other leg, until he was completely separated into two pieces.

“Pass me my knife and fork.” I passed him his knife and fork.

And he began to eat, the entire bottom half of his body. As he shoveled in the leg fat, his mouth seemed to expand, his cheeks ripping open into a huge grin. His final bite was a scrap of scrotum skin, and then finally, he bled out, and died.

Moments later, a translucent version of himself began to rise from his corpse. “Simon, oh my god, you’re a ghost,” I said.

And he replied, “Simon died a long time ago, my friend.”

And I was like, “I don’t think so. It like literally just happened.”

He stared back at me with his tiny eyes, his oversized mouth agape and dripping, the fat of his neck blending into his airborne torso, with his jaundiced skin now taking on more of a greenish tone.

“Simon Slimhauser is dead,” he said. “You can call me… 

"Slimer.”

Monday, October 13, 2014

Which Wich

My girlfriend wanted to go to Which Wich, this new sandwich shop. But it’s actually a franchise, there’s a few of them around. So I was like, “Well, which Which Wich did you want to go to?”

And she was like, “The one where the manager is an actual witch.” And I was like, “Well, that’s all of them. Everyone knows Which Wich is a Wiccan company. If you look on the bottom of your cup, they have inspirational quotes from The Craft. So, which Which Wich witch are you referring to?”

And she was like, “This witch has dreams of being really great at basketball. Like, she wants to always make the shot, always shoot nothing but net.” And I was like, “I don’t know, that still doesn’t quite narrow it down for me. Which Which Wich witch’s wishes for swishes did you have in mind, specifically?”

And she said, “Let’s just go to Subway.” And I was like, “Well, which Subway?”

Friday, October 10, 2014

Taken Sequels

I’m very excited that a new Taken movie is coming out, and I’m even more excited that it is called TAK3N. I hope they continue making Taken movies forever. Here is a list of potential titles.
TAKEN
TAKEN 2 (aka Even Takener, or 2Taken 2Furious)
TAK3N
T4KEN
TAK5N
TAKEN 6: The Takening
TAKEN 7: Taken Care of Business
TAKEN 8: The Taken of Pelham 1-2-3
TAKEN 9: Look Who’s Taken
TAKEN 10: Look Who’s Taken Too
TAKEN 11: Why Hast God Fortaken Me?
TAKEN 12: In Space
TAKEN 13: Donated (Prequel)
TAKEN 14: The Grey
TAKEN 15: Look Who’s Taken Now
TAKEN 16: Taken Takes Manhattan
TAKEN 17: Ransom starring Mel Gibson
TAKEN 18: Taken It Easy For Awhile
TAKEN 19: Taken Bake
TAKEN 20: Take Anything You Want, I’m Through Fighting

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Inside/Outside LA

My friend Brian Barlow made this very funny short film/potential web series, and it's really great, and I appear in it a couple times as a lactose intolerant.