Really Fucking Shitty Films Watched in '07

Remember last year when I posted like 8 billion lists of my favorite movies that I saw in 2006? Well, I'm doing that again. Starting with the worst.

The Bottom 20 Worst Movies I Watched In 2007
1. The River (1951, Jean Renoir)

2. Camille 2000 (1969, Radley Metzger)
3. F for Fake (1974, Orson Welles)
4. 40 Carats (1973, Milton Katselas)
5. Less Than Zero (1987, Marek Kanievska)

6. The Italian Stallion (1970, Morton Lewis)
7. Container (2006, Lukas Moodysson)
8. Lunacy (2006, Jan Svankmajer)
9. Ed Gein (2000, Chuck Parello)
10. Rockabilly Vampire (1996, Lee Bennett Sobel)

11. Mark of the Vampire (1935, Tod Browning)
12. Animal Crackers (1930, Victor Heerman)
13. Santa's Slay (2005, David Steiman)
14. Duck Soup (1933, Leo McCarey)
15. Horse Feathers (1932, Norman McLeod)

16. Blind Beast (1969, Yasuzo Masumura)
17. The House That Screamed (1969, Narciso Ibáñez Serrador)
18. Monkey Business (1931, Norman Z. McLeod)
19. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923, Wallace Worsley)
20. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968, Sergio Leone)

Info and Comments:
The River is about ugly people in India who are also annoying.

Camille 2000 is about an intensely unlikable couple trying to have a relationship. F for Fake is a documentary by Orson Welles about being boring. 40 Carats is about an older woman trying to have a relationship with a younger man, and they're both irritating and boring, and Gene Kelly is in it, but doesn't make it any better. Less Than Zero is a badly acted semi-adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel, and it's obnoxiously over-dramatic in the worst possible way.

The Italian Stallion is the porn movie Sylvester Stallone was in, but with the porn cut out of it. There's still plenty of boring softcore with people who are not attractive, though. Container was some kind of experimental bullshit prank Lukas Moodysson pulled on his fans. Lunacy was about a mental hospital or something, and it was really boring. There's some good animation, but it didn't seem to have anything to do with the actual movie, so was pretty much worthless. Ed Gein is about the serial killer, but we never really see him killing, or doing anything at all that is interesting or watchable. Rockabilly Vampire is about a vampire who is rockabilly, but mostly emo, and it's boring and not very funny.

Mark of the Vampire is a Tod Browning movie about a movie, and I don't know why I didn't like it. I just couldn't get into it. Animal Crackers, Duck Soup, and Horse Feathers are Marx Brothers movies that weren't funny and had shitty plots, and Groucho Marx was irritating as fuck. Santa's Slay is about Santa killing people, and it had potential to be brilliant, but the humor was too fucking painful.

Blind Beast is about a blind artist who kidnaps a girl and rapes her into loving him, and the set design is fucking amazing, but the story is bad, and the symbolism at the end is maybe the worst I've ever seen. The House That Screamed is a boring horror film about a killer at a girls boarding school. Monkey Business is the closest the Marx Brothers came to making a good movie (based on what I've seen). Groucho is even sort of tolerable in it. The Hunchback of Notre Dame really should've been good, and Lon Chaney's performance is great, but I just wasn't entertained. Once Upon a Time in the West started off good, but then kept going for like 5 more hours, and I really didn't fucking care anymore.

Some other films I wasn't that into, but didn't hate: Cowards Bend the Knee, Black Angel Vol. 2, Viva Knievel!, Female Prisoner #701 Scorpion: Grudge Song, The Killing Machine, Bugsy Malone, Words and Music, Crainquebille, Black Hand, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Steel Magnolias, Hell Night, Meatballs, Death Trance, Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Missouri Breaks.

The Bottom 3 Worst Movies I Tried to Give a Second Chance To (In 2007) That Turned Out to Be Just As Bad As I Remembered
1. Top Gun (1986, Tony Scott)
2. The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984, W.D. Richter)
3. El Topo (1970, Alejandro Jodorowsky)

Comments:
I wish I could see what people like about Top Gun, but I just don't. It's a fucking terrible movie.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai has all the ingredients to be totally fucking amazing, but both times I've seen it, I just cannot bring myself to give a fuck about what's happening. At all.
El Topo is ok, but extremely underwhelming, and I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

The Bottom 10 Worst Short Films I Watched In 2007
1. Ecstasis (1969, Toshio Matsumoto)

2. We Fuck Alone (2006, Gaspar Noe)
3. Death Valley (2006, Sam Taylor-Wood)

4. 21-87 (1964, Arthur Lipsett)
5. Adicolor: Blue (2006, PSYOP)

6. April Fool (1924, Ralph Ceder)
7. Little Farm (2006, Calvin Reeder)
8. House Call (2006, Richard Prince)
9. Poême électronique (1958, Edgard Varese & Le Corbusier)
10. Blond Fury (1985, Lee Bennett Sobel)

Info and Comments:
I kind of don't remember a lot of these. But I guess that's part of why they're bad?

Ecstasis is literally a photograph of a man, and it zooms in on his face over and over again for 11 minutes. Seriously.

We Fuck Alone and Death Valley are both from Destricted. We Fuck Alone is 25 minutes of strobe lights, and Death Valley is somebody masturbating in Death Valley.

21-87 is some experimental film, and I don't remember anything about it except that it was stupid. I don't remember Adicolor: Blue either, but I think it's the one (from the Adicolor film series) that felt most like a regular, bad commercial, instead of a short film.

April Fool is about Charley Chase pulling pranks in an office. It's dumb. Little Farm is about incest and I think there's like a ghost or something, and it was way too "Look at me I'm offensive!" to be enjoyable or funny. House Call is another one from Destricted, and it's basically just porn shot off a TV. Poême électronique is an experimental film I remember nothing about. Blond Fury is more dumb, boring shit from the director of Rockabilly Vampire.

Some other short films I wasn't that into, but didn't hate: Adicolor: Yellow, It's Not Just You, Murray!, Long Fliv the King, Boundin', At Land, Adicolor: Green, Adicolor: White.