There's no real reason anyone would be interested in this other than a general interest in me being an obsessive person who is pretty good at Microsoft Excel, but here are some pie charts and statistics about all of the movies I watched in 2017. I've been doing this for like 10 years, but I don't usually post it anywhere.
Arrows indicate how it compares to the previous year's numbers! This is for feature films only. I also have this all broken down for short films, but that seems even less worth posting.
Movies seen for the first time: 371 (↑132)
Movies rewatched: 73 (↑26)
Total: 444 (↑158, not having a job is the best! lol i can't pay my rent)
Watched the most movies in July: 58
Watched the least movies in April: 4 (I was in the middle of moving)
Movies seen in the theater (including rewatches): 110 (↑22)
Watched the most movies in the theater in July: 16
Watched the least movies in the theater in April: 1
Streaming: 140, 31% (↑15%)
Download: 110, 24% (↑12%)
35mm: 67, 15% (↑2%)
DCP: 39, 9% (↓9%)
DVD: 32, 7% (↓9%)
Blu-ray: 30, 7% (↓15%)
Youtube/Internet: 11, 2% (same)
Projected SD (dvd, etc): 7, 2% (↑2%)
Projected HD (blu-ray, etc): 4, 1% (same)
VHS: 3, 1% (↑1%)
16mm: 3, 1% (↑1%)
70mm: 1 (0 in 2016)
Airplane: 1 (0 in 2016)
2 in 3D (1 in 2016)
1 in IMAX (0 in 2016)
Watched movies from 31 different countries (not including rewatches or shorts). The highest, besides the US, were UK (34), Canada (24), France (22), Japan (13), Hong Kong (10) and Australia (10).
Watched 81 movies set in New York.
Most Watched Directors:
Roberta Findlay (7)
David DeCoteau (6)
Abel Ferrara (6)
Dario Argento (6, all in one night @ New Beverly)
Tobe Hooper (5, plus 1 short, and 12 episodes of TV)
Terence Fisher (5)
Spike Lee (5)
Lloyd Kaufman (5)
Most Watched Actors:
Nicolas Cage (23)
Christopher Lee (9)
Samuel L. Jackson (7)
Laurence Fishburne (6)
James Caan (6)
Rosie Perez (5)
TOP 10 BEST MOVIES I WATCHED THAT WERE NEW TO ME (not including 2017 movies)
1. Meet the Fokkens (2011, Gabrielle Provaas, Rob Schröder)
2. A Question of Silence (1982, Marleen Gorris)
3. Uptown Girls (2003, Boaz Yakin)
4. O.J.: Made in America (2016, Ezra Edelman)
5. Shakedown (1988, James Glickenhaus)
6. Double Down (2005, Neil Breen)
7. I Am Here....Now (2009, Neil Breen)
8. Giuseppe Makes a Movie (2014, Adam Rifkin)
9. The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst (2015, Andrew Jarecki)
10. The Telephone Book (1971, Nelson Lyon)
OTHER LISTS
Seasons of TV watched: 31 (↑16)
Books Read: a pathetically low number
Stand-up specials watched: 5 (↑4)
Best TV Watched (not 2017)
1. Game of Thrones Seasons 1-4 (ranked 4,3,1,2)
2. Search Party Season 1
3. Lady Dynamite Season 1
4. Comedy Bang Bang Season 2
5. Jessica Jones Season 1
Best Book Read (not 2017)
The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer by Jennifer Lynch
These are the best movies of 2016. I guess The Lobster was released in 2016, and that would be my #1, but I saw it in 2015, so I left it off.
BEST MOVIES
1. Elle
2. Divines
3. Under the Shadow
4. Green Room
5. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
6. Ghostbusters
7. 10 Cloverfield Lane
8. Dog Eat Dog
9. Don’t Breathe
10. Arrival
11. Hush
12. The Nice Guys
13. Hunt for the Wilderpeople
14. Wiener-Dog
15. 31
16. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (this might be 2017, but IMDb says 2016, and all that really matters is that it’s great and I love these movies)
17. Now You See Me 2
18. La La Land
19. Moonlight
20. Nine Lives Best Documentaries 1. Bright Lights: Starring Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds 2. 13th 3. Author: The JT LeRoy Story Best Comedy Special Laurie Kilmartin: 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad (I haven't actually watched this yet, but be serious, no one is better than Laurie right now) Best Acting
1. Oulaya Amamra in Divines
2. Isabelle Huppert in Elle
3. Kate McKinnon in Ghostbusters
4. Jena Malone in The Neon Demon
5. John Goodman in 10 Cloverfield Lane
6. Sofia Boutella in Star Trek Beyond
7. Margot Robbie in Suicide Squad
8. Willem Dafoe in Dog Eat Dog Best Supporting
1. Keanu Reeves in The Neon Demon
2. Rima Te Wiata in Hunt for the Wilderpeople
3. Rhys Darby in Hunt for the Wilderpeople
4. Joe Manganiello in Pee-wee's Big Holiday
5. Sully Seagull in The Shallows Best Voiceover Performances
1. Alan Tudyk in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
2. Kevin Spacey in Nine Lives
I normally don't like to include festival movies I may have seen before their US release date because it annoys me when other people do it. They haven't really come out yet! They are future movies, and they don't belong on your "year of the past" list! So my general standard is that if it hasn't been "released" during the year in question, I don't include it. For example, my #1 movie of 2013 (Spring Breakers) is listed on IMDb as 2012, but it is definitely my #1 movie of 2013. And We Are the Best! (#2 here) will likely be the Best Film of 2014, but I happened to see it at a festival in November, so when I make my Best Of list for next year, I'm gonna feel like an asshole when I can't include it because I saw it early like an asshole. But IMDb lists it as 2013, so I guess I have to consider it 2013.
Because on the flip side, in a few years, it doesn't matter. I'll go back to this list and be like "What's all this 2012 shit doing on here?" Which is a dilemma I have definitely encountered before. Basically, it's a confusing, frustrating issue with no real solution, and there is pretty much nothing worse in the world when it comes to yearly list-making. Get it together, cinema.
This year, for simplicity's sake (sorta), I'm giving in and including the festival stuff. Which means, for consistency's sake, I should exclude movies with a listed date of 2012. With the noted exception of Spring Breakers, which is unquestionably my favorite film of the year (and has moved into my Top 10 of All Time), and cannot go unlisted here, at least for now. There were some other great "2012" films that came out this year, however, that I will work into last year's list instead.
Favorite "2011" movies from 2013 You're Next
Favorite "2012" movies from 2013
1. Maniac
2. The Act of Killing
3. Baby Blues
4. Sightseers
Best Actor
1. James Franco in Spring Breakers
2. Jonah Hill in The Wolf of Wall Street
3. Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street
4. Rob Lowe in Behind the Candelabra
5. David Koechner in Cheap Thrills
Honorable Mentions: Marilyn Manson in Wrong Cops, Matthew McConaughey in The Wolf of Wall Street, Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club, The Rock in Pain & Gain
Best Actress
1. Uma Thurman in Nymphomaniac: Vol. I
2. Mira Barkhammar in We Are the Best!
3. Mira Grosin in We Are the Best!
4. Greta Gerwig in Frances Ha
5. Emma Watson in The Bling Ring
Honorable Mentions: Kathryn Hahn in Afternoon Delight, Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine
Best Scenes
1. Alien plays Britney Spears' "Everytime" on piano in Spring Breakers
2. Brit and Candy intimidate Alien with a gun in Spring Breakers
3. The quaaludes scene in The Wolf of Wall Street
4. "I'm So Excited" song in I'm So Excited!
Best Special Effects
1. A Talking Cat!?!
2. Evil Dead
Best Hansel & Gretel Movies from 2013
1. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
2. Hansel & Gretel
3. Hansel & Gretel Get Baked
4. Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft
Best Cameos
Jennifer Tilly and Alex Vincent in Curse of Chucky
Best Comedy Special
1. Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore
2. Pete Holmes: Nice Try, the Devil
3. Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male
4. Louis C.K.: Oh My God
TOP 10 BEST FILMS OF 2013
1. Spring Breakers (Harmony Korine)
2. We Are the Best! (Lukas Moodysson)
3. Moebius (Kim Ki-duk)
4. The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese)
5. Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón)
6. Curse of Chucky (Don Mancini)
7. Jodorowsky's Dune (Frank Pavich)
8. The Punk Singer (Sini Anderson)
9. A Talking Cat!?! (David DeCoteau)
10. Evil Dead (Fede Alvarez) MORE HERE
Turn off the Oscars! Here are my lists of my favorite 2011 films from every genre! I go off US release date, so sometimes that includes movies IMDb lists as early as 2008, but that is because IMDb hates America and our American freedom to not get around to releasing foreign movies until way later.
First, Worst Film
1. Tie: Stake Land (Jim Mickle) / Bellflower (Evan Glodell)
Honorable Mentions: A Haunting in Salem, The Way, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
I didn't completely hate the films tied for Worst, but I actively disliked them. The HMs are ones I felt pretty whatever about.
Here are some better movies. I didn't include the #1 Best Film winner in any of the genre categories, because it already wins at everything and I couldn't decide what genre to put it in.
Best Thriller
1. Cold Fish (Sion Sono)
2. Drive Angry (Patrick Lussier)
3. I Saw the Devil (Kim Jee-woon)
4. Hobo with a Shotgun (Jason Eisener)
5. Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)
Honorable Mentions: Red White & Blue, Contagion
Best Sci-fi Action Thriller
1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Rupert Wyatt)
2. Attack the Block (Joe Cornish)
3. Source Code (Duncan Jones)
Honorable Mention: Super 8
Best Dramatic Drama and/or Comedic Drama
1. Melancholia (Lars von Trier)
2. Win Win (Thomas McCarthy)
3. Margaret (Kenneth Lonergan)
4. 50/50 (Jonathan Levine)
5. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)
Honorable Mentions: Terri, Rango
Best Romance Movie
1. Love Exposure (Sion Sono)
2. The Skin I Live In (Pedro Almodóvar)
Best TV (from the fairly limited selection of things I watch)
1. Parks and Recreation
2. Eagleheart
3. Louie
4. The Office (final Carell episodes in particular)
5. The Heart, She Holler
6. NTSF:SD:SUV::
7. Childrens Hospital
Best Fest (movies I saw at festivals that don't have a 2012 release date that I'm aware of)
1. Family Instinct (Andris Gauja)
2. Alps (Giorgos Lanthimos)
3. Oslo, August 31 (Joachim Trier)
4. Extraterrestrial (Nacho Vigalondo)
Best Action
1. Fast Five (Justin Lin)
2. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird)
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (David Yates)
4. Hanna (Joe Wright)
Honorable Mentions: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Redline
Best Comedy
1. Bridesmaids (Paul Feig)
2. The Muppets (James Bobin)
3. Repo Chick (Alex Cox)
4. The Sitter (David Gordon Green)
5. 30 Minutes or Less (Ruben Fleischer)
6. Our Idiot Brother (Jesse Peretz)
Honorable Mentions: The Catechism Cataclysm, Young Adult
Best Horror
1. Final Destination 5 (Steven Quale)
2. Megan Is Missing (Michael Goi)
3. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (Eli Craig)
4. The Woman (Lucky McKee)
5. Embodiment of Evil (José Mojica Marins)
6. Scream 4 (Wes Craven)
Honorable Mentions: Fright Night, Insidious
Best Short
1. The Legend of Beaver Dam (Jerome Sable)
2. Small Fry (Angus MacLane)
Honorable Mention: Hello Caller
Best Documentary
1. Tabloid (Errol Morris)
2. Cave of Forgotten Dreams 3D (Werner Herzog)
3. Project Nim (James Marsh)
4. American: The Bill Hicks Story (Matt Harlock & Paul Thomas)
5. Machete Maidens Unleashed (Mark Hartley)
6. Senna (Asif Kapadia)
Honorable Mentions: POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, Into the Abyss, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
Sweatiest Performance
1. The Rock in Fast Five
Honorable Mention: Laurence Harvey in The Human Centipede II
Best Actor
1. Andy Serkis/CGI in Rise of the Planet of the Apes
2. William Fichtner in Drive Angry
3. Steve Little in The Catechism Cataclysm
4. Colin Farrell in Fright Night
5. Paul Rudd in Our Idiot Brother
6. Rainn Wilson in Super
7. Tyler Labine in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
8. Albert Brooks in Drive
Honorable Mentions: Nick Swardson in 30 Minutes or Less, Jonah Hill in The Sitter, Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love
Best Actress
1. Ellen Page in Super
2. Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids
3. Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids
4. Jaclyn Jonet in Repo Chick
5. Saoirse Ronan in Hanna
6. Emma Roberts in Scream 4
7. Anna Paquin in Margaret
Honorable Mentions: Amber Heard in Drive Angry, Elle Fanning in Super 8, Keira Knightley in A Dangerous Method, Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia
Best Fucking Film (Countdown!)
10. Tie: Fast Five! (Justin Lin) / The Muppets! (James Bobin)
9. Cold Fish! (Sion Sono)
8. Tabloid! (Errol Morris)
7. Attack the Block! (Joe Cornish)
6. Melancholia! (Lars von Trier)
5. Bridesmaids! (Paul Feig)
4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes! (Rupert Wyatt)
3.5. The Legend of Beaver Dam! (Jerome Sable)
3. Final Destination 5! (Steven Quale)
2. Love Exposure! (Sion Sono)
and, with a completely anticlimactic image to go with its win,
The Oscars were tonight, which means it's finally time for me to stop putting off my own Best Of lists for the year. I've seen exactly 100 movies from 2010. Normally, I make a slightly bigger production out of my Year End list with a star-studded Awards show of my own, but this year I didn't. It's just some lists, with a few pictures. I still consider the #1s here Nomi winners, though, so if you're keeping track of every Winner and Nomi-nee there's ever been, and wondering every time you see a trailer why someone isn't being listed as "NOMI® AWARD WINNER" Nicolas Cage (for example), then go ahead and keep keeping track.
2010 was somewhat of a disappointing year after 2009, which was one of the like Top 3 Cinematic Years Ever. There were a lot of great movies I loved, but very few I'd say were extraordinary or perfect, and every year ought to have at least 5 of those. Lately, though, I've actually been coming around to 2010. Looking at my Top 5 right now, it's pretty solid, so I don't know, maybe I've been too harsh. And there were only 5 movies I saw that I didn't really care for, and only one I hated. Which leads to the first category.
Worst Fucking Movie
1. The White Ribbon (Michael Haneke)
2. I Am Love (Luca Guadagnino)
3. The Secret of Kells (Tomm Moore)
4. What I saw of White Material (Claire Denis) (I ended up missing the last 30 minutes, which is apparently where something actually happens, but I doubt it would've changed my opinion much)
5. Tamara Drewe (Stephen Frears)
Didn't see: The Illusionist
2-5 weren't enjoyable for me, but they are what they are and I hold nothing against them really. But White Ribbon is the Fucking Worst because Haneke is a perfectly capable director, and there are a couple of good scenes, so I ended up angry that it was so fucking boring. Rare Exports and Leap Year were also not-good movies, but they weren't too terrible, either.
Here's the stuff I liked.
Best Thriller
1. A Serbian Film (Srdjan Spasojevic)
2. Inception (Christopher Nolan)
3. 127 Hours (Danny Boyle)
4. Black Swan (Darren Aronofsky)
5. Shutter Island (Martin Scorsese)
6. Frozen (Adam Green)
7. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)
8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (David Yates)
9. Mother (Bong Joon-ho)
10. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Niels Arden Oplev)
Honorable Mentions: Burning Bright, The Ghost Writer
Didn't see: All Good Things
Best Family Film
1. Dogtooth (Giorgos Lanthimos)
2. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)
3. The Loved Ones (Sean Byrne)
4. Life During Wartime (Todd Solondz)
5. True Grit (Joel & Ethan Coen)
Best Screenplay
1. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (James Nguyen)
2. The Social Network (Aaron Sorkin)
Best Movie About Facebook
1. Catfish (Ariel Schulman/Henry Joost)
2. The Social Network (David Fincher)
Best Action/Adventure
1. The Sorceror's Apprentice (Jon Turteltaub)
Didn't see: How to Train Your Dragon
Best Short Film (these are the only 5 I saw, but they're all great)
1. Spider (Nash Edgerton)
2. Day & Night (Teddy Newton)
3. The House That Drips Blood on Alex (Brock LaBorde/Jared Richard)
4. A Very Gerry Christmas (Jay Cheel)
5. Cooking with Gerry 2 (Jay Cheel)
Best Dancing
1. Dogtooth
2. Step Up 3D
3. Fish Tank
Most 90s
1. Chloe (Atom Egoyan)
This wasn't a great movie, but oh my god, so fucking 90s!
Best Movie With an Animal In the Title That Wasn't Actually About That Animal
1. Catfish (Ariel Schulman/Henry Joost)
2. Dogtooth (Giorgos Lanthimos)
3. Black Swan (Darren Aronofsky)
4. Fish Tank (Andrea Arnold)
5. The Human Centipede (Tom Six) (inclusion in this category is perhaps debatable)
Honorable Mentions: The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Four Lions
Didn't see: Rabbit Hole, Animal Kingdom
Best Drama
1. Dogtooth (Giorgos Lanthimos)
2. The Social Network (David Fincher)
3. The Fighter (David O. Russell)
4. Fish Tank (Andrea Arnold)
5. My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done (Werner Herzog)
Honorable Mentions: Never Let Me Go, Greenberg
Didn't see: Please Give, Another Year
Best Comedy
1. Jackass 3D (Jeff Tremaine)
2. Date Night (Shawn Levy)
3. Easy A (Will Gluck)
4. MacGruber (Jorma Taccone)
5. Youth In Revolt (Miguel Arteta)
Honorable Mention: The Other Guys
Didn't see: Due Date, Dinner for Schmucks
Best Dramedy
1. Trash Humpers (Harmony Korine)
2. Step Up 3D (Jon Chu)
3. Life During Wartime (Todd Solondz)
Best Horror
1. Piranha 3D (Alexandre Aja)
2. All About Evil (Joshua Grannell)
3. I Spit On Your Grave (Steven R. Monroe)
4. Hatchet II (Adam Green)
5. The Loved Ones (Sean Byrne)
6. Saw 3D (Kevin Greutert)
7. The Human Centipede (Tom Six)
8. Let Me In (Matt Reeves)
9. The Crazies (Brent Eisner)
10. The Last Exorcism (Daniel Stamm)
Didn't see: [REC]2, RoboGeisha, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams
Best Gore
1. Piranha 3D (Gregory Nicotero/Howard Berger)
2. I Spit On Your Grave (Jason Collins)
3. Hatchet II (Robert Pendergraft)
4. 127 Hours (Tony Gardner)
5. Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (Christian Beckman)
6. Saw 3D (Jon Campfens/Tom Turnbull/Wendy Whaley)
7. Black Swan (Dan Schrecker)
8. All About Evil (Aurora Bergere)
9. Frozen (Chris Hanson)
10. Machete (Robert Rodriguez)
Best Gore Involving Pulling Out Someone's Intestines
1. Tie: Machete/Hatchet II
Best Foreign Crime Trilogy
1. The Girl Who Did Stuff (Red Riding didn't do much for me)
Best Action
1. Kick-Ass (Matthew Vaughn)
2. The Expendables (Sylvester Stallone)
3. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Edgar Wright)
4. Machete (Robert Rodriguez/Ethan Maniquis)
5. Resident Evil: Afterlife (Paul W.S. Anderson)
Honorable Mention: Unstoppable
Didn't see: District B13: Ultimatum
Best Documentary
1. Catfish (Ariel Schulman/Henry Joost)
2. Best Worst Movie (Michael Paul Stephenson)
3. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (Ricki Stern/Anne Sundberg)
4. Exit Through the Gift Shop (Banksy)
5. I Am Comic (Jordan Brady)
Didn't see: Winnebago Man
Best Movie About Being a Celebrity
1. Somewhere (Sofia Coppola)
2. I'm Still Here (Casey Affleck)
Best Hair (no contest)
1. Joaquin Phoenix in I'm Still Here
Most Underrated
1. Date Night (Shawn Levy)
This may not have made my Top 10, but I felt like it was way better than people gave it credit for.
Best Couple
1. Tina Fey & Steve Carell in Date Night
2. Stanley Tucci & Patricia Clarkson in Easy A
3. John Travolta & Jonathan Rhys Meyers in From Paris with Love
4. Jim Carrey & Ewan MacGregor in I Love You Phillip Morris
5. Amy Adams & Adam Scott in Leap Year (can't say I cared much for how this movie played out)
Best Supporting Actress
1. Anne Hathaway in Alice in Wonderland
2. Patricia Clarkson in Easy A
3. Martiny in All About Evil
Best Supporting Actor
1. Christopher Lloyd in Piranha
2. Stanley Tucci in Easy A
3. Michael Keaton in The Other Guys
4. Noah Segan in All About Evil
5. Crispin Glover in Hot Tub Time Machine
Honorable Mention: Val Kilmer in MacGruber
Best Ensemble Cast
1. My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done (Michael Shannon, Willem Dafoe, Udo Kier, Grace Zabriskie, Brad Dourif, Chloe Sevigny)
Best Actress
1. Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass
2. Tina Fey in Date Night
3. Robin McLeavy in The Loved Ones
4. Kristen Stewart in The Runaways
5. Natasha Lyonne in All About Evil
6. Kristen Wiig in MacGruber
7. Chloe Moretz in Let Me In
8. Elisabeth Shue in Piranha
9. Briana Evigan in Burning Bright
10. Dakota Fanning in The Runaways
Best Actor
1. Tommy Wiseau in The House That Drips Blood on Alex
2. Christian Bale in The Fighter
3. Dieter Laser in The Human Centipede
4. Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network
5. Srdjan Todorovic in A Serbian Film
6. Nicolas Cage in The Sorceror's Apprentice
7. Jason Statham in The Expendables
8. Adam Scott in Piranha
9. James Franco in 127 Hours
10. Michael Fassbender in Fish Tank
Honorable Mentions: John Travolta in From Paris with Love, Jonah Hill in Cyrus
Best Fucking Film (Countdown!)
10. Tie: 127 Hours! (Danny Boyle)/I Spit On Your Grave! (Steven R. Monroe)
9. The Expendables! (Sylvester Stallone)
8. All About Evil! (Joshua Grannell)
7. Inception! (Christopher Nolan)
6. Best Worst Movie! (Michael Paul Stephenson)
5. Kick-Ass! (Matthew Vaughn)
4. Dogtooth! (Giorgos Lanthimos)
3. Catfish! (Ariel Schulman/Henry Joost)
2. A Serbian Film! (Srdjan Spasojevic)
This is somewhat a companion piece to this post of the 50 Best Movies I Saw Last Year. I meant to post it a few days ago.
Top 15 Best Actors from Movies I Watched in 2010
1. Sylvester Stallone - Nighthawks
2. Richard Pryor - Blue Collar
3. Keanu Reeves - Bram Stoker's Dracula
4. Lon Chaney Jr. - The Wolf Man
5. Yaphet Kotto - Blue Collar
6. Lance Henriksen - Hard Target
7. Paul Rudd - Wet Hot American Summer
8. Sylvester Stallone - Tango & Cash
9. Kurt Russell - Tango & Cash
10. Harvey Keitel - Blue Collar
11. John Terlesky - Chopping Mall
12. Nicolas Cage - Peggy Sue Got Married
13. Michael Keaton - Mr. Mom
14. Thomas Ian Griffith - The Karate Kid, Part III
15. James Spader - Wolf
Top 15 Best Actresses from Movies I Watched in 2010
1. Judy Garland - A Star Is Born
2. Andrea Feldman - Andy Warhol's Heat
3. Barbara Stanwyck - Baby Face
4. Patty Mullen - Frankenhooker
5. Kim Darby - True Grit
6. Barbara Crampton - Chopping Mall
7. Kelli Maroney - Chopping Mall
8. Sue Lyon - Lolita
9. Deborah Foreman - April Fool's Day
10. Bridgette Andersen - Too Much
11. Anjelica Huston - The Witches
12. Teri Garr - Mr. Mom
13. Trini Alvarado - A Movie Star's Daughter & Rich Kids
14. Brooke Adams - Invasion of the Body Snatchers
15. Sybil Danning - The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf
And to all you gentlemen out there who didn’t vote for me… here I am as well. And I forgive you.
John Travolta: Sike!!!!! It’s me, John Travolta, baby, and you just got face-off’ed! Nicolas Cage will never forgive you! He’s at home crying right now.
Hey, anyway, I’m John Travolta and I am Royale-ly pissed that I came in last fucking place in the poll to host these Awards. You can all lick my bunghole, motherfuckers, as my legendary character in the remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 would say. As tradition goes, I get to be here anyways to announce the Worst Fucking Film losers, before getting killed on stage. I’ve got a good feeling about that, though, because I’m pretty damn good at…
Staying Alive.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The nominees for Worst Fucking Film of the Year are…
5. The Ugly Truth by Robert Luketic.
4. Pig Hunt by James Isaac.
3. Where the Wild Things Are by Spike Jonze.
2. Eden Log by Franck Vestiel.
and the Mel Brooks goes to…
1. New York, I Love You by a whole fucking bunch of shitty, indistinguishable directors.
Also, Worst Short goes to some shit called The Soul Detective, and Worst Actor goes to Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth, and also just in general. It’s been a pleasure, enormous audience. But now it’s time for me to put on this Abigail Breslin mask and let your host for the evening fuck me to death.
Oh hi, John Travolta as Abigail Breslin. I am pleased to have refrained from sodomizing you all these seconds in order to shoot this photo for an album cover. Everybody please check out our new album, Abby & Roman – Songs for Egypt, free with every two purchases of Old Dogs.
And now my dick is sliding up your ass like a Knife in the Water. And now it is working it’s way up your Chinatown and eviscerating your Frantic, Fearless Vampire Killers. My dick has now become detached, and your final breath of life will be spent puking it out of your Pianist.
Hello. I am Roman Polanski. You probably know me as the star of the 1976 film The Tenant, directed by Roman Polanski. You may also know me as a man who once did a very terrible thing that he openly has no regrets about. But today, that changes. Ladies and gentlemen. I, Roman Ricardo Polanski, am very sorry that Repulsion was so fucking boring.
OUR FIRST PRESENTERS. PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, TWO CHARACTER ACTORS WHO ARE APPARENTLY NOT THE SAME PERSON, WILLIAM SADLER AND WILLIAM SANDERSON.
William Sadler: Hey there, I’m Bill Sadler, and you may know me as the creepy guy or the villian from that one movie.
William Sanderson: And I’m William Sanderson from Fight for Your Life and Deadwood, or more specifically, Blade Runner.
William Sadler: But you can just call us William Sadlerson for short. HEY! What do you think about acting, Bill?
William Sanderson: It’s funny you should ask, Bill. The nominees for Best Actor are…
10. Brad Pitt in Inglourious Basterds.
9. Sacha Baron Cohen in Brüno.
8. Jackie Earle Haley in Watchmen
7. Sam Rockwell in Moon.
6. Matt Damon in The Informant!.
5. Michael Jai White in Black Dynamite.
4. Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man.
3. Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.
2. Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover.
William Sadlerson: And the Nomi goes to…
1. Nicolas Cage in The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans!
William Sadlerson: Unfortunately, Nicolas is unavailable to pick up his Award at this time. He is still crying at home. But he sent us a message to say that for at least the next ten minutes, he will be crying tears of joy over finally actually winning a Nomi, and he sent us this crude, unrealistic photoshop of himself holding it.
HONORABLE MENTIONS FOR BEST ACTOR ARE JASON STATHAM IN CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE, GARRET DILLAHUNT IN LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, JESSE EISENBERG IN ZOMBIELAND, WOODY HARRELSON IN ZOMBIELAND, AND JOHN TRAVOLTA IN THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3. GREAT! HERE ARE BILL PAXTON AND BILL PULLMAN.
Bill Paxton: We’ve met before, haven’t we?
Bill Pullman: I don’t think so. Where was it that you think we’ve met?
Bill Paxton: On the set of the movie Brain Dead, man. Don’t you remember?
Bill Pullman: No. No, I don’t. Are you sure?
Bill Paxton: Fuckin’ A, I’m sure. As a matter of fact, I’m there right now.
Bill Pullman: What do you mean, you’re where right now?
Bill Paxton: On the set of Brain Dead 2.
Bill Pullman: That’s fuckin’ crazy, man.
Bill Paxton: Call me.
Bill Pullman: Alright. But in the meantime, here are the nominees for Best Documentary…
3. Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! by Mark Hartley.
2. The English Surgeon by Geoffrey Smith.
Bill Pullman (holding a phone): Hey, this is Bill Pullman from Independence Day. I’m standing here with Bill Paxton from Streets of Fire, and he said that he was also on some movie set.
Bill Paxton (over the phone): Yup. I’m here.
Bill Pullman: How are you doing that?
Bill Paxton (over the phone): Oh, you know, just a bit of
Bill Paxton (over the phone and in person, simultaneously): Weird Science.
Bill Pullman: I’m not sure that even makes enough sense to validate such a bad joke.
Bill Paxton (both): Ok, well, the Nomi for Best Documentary goes to…
1. Anvil! The Story of Anvil by Sacha Gervasi!
I starred in a documentary once a couple of years ago. It was about cooking! Speaking of heat in the kitchen, our next guest scared the shit out of me in Howard the Duck, and our other guest is a comedic actor who I sometimes mix him up with, even though there’s only one of them that I run into at Celebrity Pedophiles Anonymous every week. It’s Jeffrey Jones and Michael McKean, everybody.
Jeffrey Jones: Nice to see you in a less awkward setting, Roman. By the way, I can’t make it to the meeting next week. Please tell Victor Salva I loved the videotape he sent me. Like, loved it loved it.
Michael McKean: I’m not sure I want to be on stage right now. You just took the creepiness level to 11.
Jeffrey Jones: Ha! Spinal Tape reference. THE BEST!
Michael McKean: Ok, well, the nominees for Best Comedy are…
5. I Love You, Man by John Hamburg.
4. Black Dynamite by Scott Sanders.
3. Observe and Report by Jody Hill.
2. Brüno by Larry Charles.
And the Nomi goes to…
1. A Serious Man by Joel & Ethan Coen!
We were supposed to have a few more presenters, but unfortunately, had to cancel the appearances of Robert Downey Jr. and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Eigeman and Adam Scott, Jack Nicholson and Christian Slater, Jason Schwartzman and Jonathan Silverman, and Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin. Instead, we lumped a few different categories together, and here to present that Award is William Hurt and John Heard.
John Heard: So wait, are you not related to John Hurt?
William Hurt: I don’t think so.
John Heard: I just found that out. I always thought he was your dad or something.
William Hurt: He’s only 10 years older than me. Look, no offense, I loved you as Kevin McCallister’s father, but I’d like to get this over with.
John Heard: Do you have some spider women to go make out with or something? What’s the fucking rush, dick?
William Hurt: Oh my god, I don’t even want to talk about it. The nominees for Best Animated, Sci-fi, Teen, or Crime Comedy are…
5. Bring It On: Fight to the Finish by Bille Woodruff.
4. Fantastic Mr. Fox by Wes Anderson.
3. Up by Pete Docter and Bob Peterson.
2. Moon by Duncan Jones.
William Hurt: And the Nomi goes to…
1. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans by Werner Herzog!
My favorite musical is West Side Story. Hey. Listen, bitch. There was supposed to be a Best Music Video category this year. If there were, the winner would have been "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, but the first runner-up would have been "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?" by She & Him, even though it apparently came out in 2008. So here’s Zooey Deschanel and some other musician who is not as good.
Katy Perry: I saw (500) Days of Summer, and I liked it.
Zooey Deschanel: Thanks, Katy.
Katy Perry: It was my favorite movie last year that wasn’t porn. Which brings us into our category of Best Ending. My favorite movie ending is Behind the Green Door, because I, like Meryl Streep, like a lot of semen. What about you, Zooey?
Zooey Deschanel: My fave is probably the original Bad Lieutenant. The nominees for this year’s Best Ending are…
5. Crank: High Voltage.
4. The Final Destination.
3. Inglourious Basterds.
2. A Serious Man.
Zooey Deschanel: Oh, hey there, Lizzy Caplan in Cloverfield. Nice of you to join us.
Hey guys.
Katy Perry: And the Nomi goes to…
1. Drag Me To Hell!
Do you remember that song in Teen Witch about liking boys? Well, that is how I feel every time I see either of our next two guests. Please suck it in for Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg.
Michael Cera: So this is kind of a bullshit category, that they stuck us with.
Jesse Eisenberg: I agree. There are no nominees here. Just a winner for Best Cameo.
Michael Cera: Rule #16 - Have some nominees. Right? Rule 16. Like your movie.
Jesse Eisenberg: Speaking of my movie, where is the nomination, or possibly win, for the big cameo in Zombieland?
Michael Cera: I don’t see it here!
Jesse Eisenberg: This is all very disagreeable to me. I feel ill.
Michael Cera: I have a new rule for when, when something is upsetting. You should cuddle me, I think.
Jesse Eisenberg: I’ve always wanted to do that.
Jesse Eisenberg: And the Nomi for Best Cameo goes to…
1. Milo Ventimiglia as Rick Rape in Gamer!
It’s me. The cameo in Zombieland went on for too long to be considered a cameo, and instead was more like a surprise supporting role. The next category is my favorite. It’s Jean Smart and Kim Cattrall, everybuddy.
Kim Cattrall: I learned a lot about Action and Adventure on the set of Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country’s Kim Cattrall.
Jean Smart: I learned even more about Action, Adventure, and Thrillers from Designing Women. And also 24. The nominees for those things, from this year, are…
5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 by Tony Scott.
4. Avatar by James Cameron.
3. Watchmen by Zack Snyder.
2. Star Trek by J.J. Abrams.
Kim Cattrall: Ok, stop yelling at me.
Jean Smart: What?
Kim Cattrall: Roman wants me to plug my new movie, The Ghost Writer. It’s supposed to be good.
Jean Smart: I don’t like period pieces.
Kim Cattrall: Ok, well, the Nomi for Action/Adventure/or Thriller goes to…
1. Crank: High Voltage by Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor!
Thanks for plugging your new movie, Kim. It is a taut suspenseful thriller, full of mystery and intrigue. Allow me to pose a hypothetical question. I have never worked with our next presenters, but I have also never seen any of their movies. How about it?
Tim Thomerson: Thanks for the fucked intro, Pig.
Tom Atkins: I was not even remotely thrilled.
Tim Thomerson: Our next few nominees took the droll and cliché genre of “drama” and pumped it full of grace and splendor.
Tom Atkins: Dramatic films were choking to death. And these five films didn’t just give it the Heimlich Manuever, but they then picked up the morsel of troublesome food, put it in their mouth, finished chewing it, then spit it out into the toilet and flushed it away forever.
Tim Thomerson: The nominees for Best Drama are…
5. The Twilight Saga: New Moon by Chris Weitz.
4. The Road by John Hillcoat.
3. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire by Lee Daniels.
2. Whip It by Drew Barrymore.
And the Nomi goes to…
1. Inglourious Basterds by Quentin Tarantino!
I like actresses, and here now to honor some actresses are the stars of the upcoming thriller movie
Gary Busey is ready to talk!
NOT YET, GARY!
I’m very excited to be here.
Ok, so the stars of the upcoming thriller, Nolte vs. Busey, here are Nick Nolte and Gary Busey.
Nick Nolte: Some beautiful ladies in the Best Actress category this year.
Gary Busey: Our dirty host is going to cream his faggot panties over the winner.
Nick Nolte: That’s practically a spoiler.
Gary Busey: Yell at me again, Nolte, and I will crush your entire skeleton without even penetrating the skin.
Nick Nolte: Can we talk about these actresses?
Gary Busey: I’M READY TO ROLL. THE NOMINEES ARE…
10. Sarah Burns in I Love You, Man.
9. Alia Shawkat in Whip It.
8. Ellen Page in Whip It.
7. Amy Adams in Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian.
6. Amy Adams in Julie & Julia.
5. Isla Fisher in Confessions of a Shopaholic.
4. Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body.
3. Melanie Laurent in Inglourious Basterds.
2. Alison Lohman in Drag Me To Hell.
Nick Nolte: Is there anything else you want to say?
Gary Busey: I’m calm.
Nick Nolte: The Nomi goes to…
Gary Busey: You will not go to sleep tonight, Nolte. Never again, tonight.
1. Isabelle Fuhrman in Orphan!
Honorable Mentions for Best Actress are Greta Gerwig in House of the Devil, Carey Mulligan in An Education, Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, Gabourey Sidibe in Precious, and Kristen Wiig in Whip It. Now I’ve never heard of these next two grannies. But apparently, they were both nominated for Best Actress. Here to talk us through the final category besides Best Fucking Film, I would not blame you for welcoming Amy Adams and Isla Fisher.
Amy Adams: Hey.
Amy Adams: You look unbelievable, Isla.
Isla Fisher: Amy, you’re the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
Amy Adams: Thank you very much. Should we make out now?
Isla Fisher: No! The audience has to see our movie if they want to watch us making out, fully nude!
Amy Adams: Good point. So, as I’m sure some of you have heard, Isla and I are starring in a brand new romantic comedy about incest called Sisters with Benefits.
Isla Fisher: Two sisters, lost in a world of being too adorable, find that there is more to life than not having sex with each other.
Amy Adams: Roger Ebert says that “Paul Verhoeven’s Sisters with Benefits is a sexy and intensely bloody post-apocalyptic romantic thriller comedy. The scene of the hot redheaded sisters literally eating each other’s vaginas is pulled off with a graceful edge of humor and realism. Perfectly exploitative and wholly without pretension, Sisters with Benefits is a dick-draining masterpiece.” Without further ado, the nominees...
Isla Fisher: Or as I like to call them, the Nomi-nees.
Amy Adams: So fucking cute. The Nomi-nees for Best Horror Film are...
10. Martyrs by Pascal Laugier.
9. Paranormal Activity by Oren Peli.
8. Pontypool by Bruce McDonald.
7. Zombieland by Ruben Fleischer.
6. Sorority Row by Stewart Hendler.
5. Jennifer's Body by Karyn Kusama.
4. My Bloody Valentine by Patrick Lussier.
3. Orphan by Jaume Collet-Serra.
2. The Final Destination by David R. Ellis.
Amy Adams: And the Nomi goes to…
1. Drag Me To Hell by Sam Raimi!
Can we dim the lights? Thank you. I have nothing else to say.
Here to present The Top 25 Best Fucking Films of 2009, please watch this video of Austin Wolf-Sothern. Good night.
10. Observe and Report by Jody Hill.
9. Brüno by Larry Charles.
8. A Serious Man by Joel and Ethan Coen.
7. Whip It by Drew Barrymore.
6. Crank: High Voltage by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.
5. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans by Werner Herzog.
4. Orphan by Jaume Collet-Serra.
3. The Final Destination by David R. Ellis.
2. & 1. Tie: Inglourious Basterds by Quentin Tarantino and Drag Me To Hell by Sam Raimi!!!
