Movie Review: A Talking Pony!?!

A Talking Pony!?! (2013, David DeCoteau) - 7.5
Sometimes it's good to watch bad films to remind yourself what you love about cinema. For instance, last night I watched Michelangelo Antonioni's La Notte, and that garbage really puts in perspective how great it can be to see a talking horse telling uncomfortably dumb jokes, and how much I value this kind of easy-going absurdity as entertainment.

08/28/14: Streaming

Movie Review: Face/Off

Face/Off (1997, John Woo) - 10.0
I saw this as a cynical, shitty teenager, and hated it. Even before revisiting it, I was deeply ashamed of this fact because I knew in my heart I was wrong. I am proud of how much I have matured in the last 17 years as a viewer of cinema, and that I can now recognize Face/Off as one of the greatest films of all time.

~07/1997: 35mm
04/02/14: Blu-ray

Movie Review: The Haunted Mouth

The Haunted Mouth (1974, Dental Scare Film) - 8.5
The Haunted Mouth, made by the American Dental Association, takes place in a spooky house and is narrated by Plaque. You hear the voice of Plaque, but you don't see it. It's rocking in a rocking chair, though, and picking stuff up, so it’s kinda like a plaque-tergeist.

Plaque walks you through all the destruction it’s going to do to your teeth and gums, and it’s so confident in its evil abilities that it’s like “I’m even gonna show you EXACTLY what you need to do in order to defeat me, and you’re not gonna do it.” At first, I was defensive, like “You don't know me, fucking plaque, you don't know what I'm capable of.” But then it shows a close-up of someone flossing, and it’s like, “Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna do that.” I can’t even look at it happening to someone else. And Plaque is just all cocky. Like, “Seriously, I will stop haunting your mouth if you just floss for a few minutes every day. But you won’t do it… Will you?” No, absolutely not. Flossing is hard. The movie is clearly written by frustrated dentists, who are like “We keep telling you! All you have to do is cut down on sweets! But you won’t do that either… Will you?” Nope. Chocolate is my favorite food. You win, Plaque. And at one point, Plaque actually tells us, “You know, even if you do all this shit, I’m still probably gonna get you. Your teeth are fucked, they are going to rot, there’s nothing you can do. Go to a dentist already.” And it is terrifying.

This is a ridiculously scary movie. Plaque is a way more effective horror movie villain than Freddy or Jason. This is for real. It’s meant to scare you into taking better care of your teeth, but instead, it’s just a reality check that everything rots. Our bodies are not built well. We cannot fight death.

I really love the idea of your mouth being haunted by decay. And a dentist comes in like Zelda Rubinstein in Poltergeist, as Dr. Tangina DDS. She does an exorcism of your cavities, takes off her sunglasses, and says, “This mouth is clean.”

10/02/13: 16mm

Movie Review: Boxer's Omen

The Boxer’s Omen (1983, Chih-Hung Kuei) - 9.0
In a kickboxing match, the huge guy from Bloodsport injures his opponent, so that guy’s brother goes to Thailand to get revenge, and instead is called by a dead monk-wizard who used to be related to him in another life, and also has some vengeance issues that this guy has to work out for him (he’d do it himself but he’s dead). So the guy trains to become a monk-wizard and this leads to insane monk-wizard battles and some equally insane battle preparations. This movie includes adorable stop-motion bat skeletons, vomit-eating, eye-piercings, crocodile fetuses, planting a human corpse inside of a crododile corpse to create a maggot-covered sorceress, worms, tarantulas, a flying head with strangulation tentacles, eating regurgitated chicken anus and banana peels, the sorceress giving birth to a gooey blue puddle that saran-wrapped mummies grow out of, blood, entrails, brutal kickboxing, things that glow with neon, and every monstrous creation and imaginative special effect that could ever be possible. It’s fairly non-stop, constantly out-doing itself, and is one of the craziest fucking movies I’ve ever seen. This movie’s existence makes all life on Earth more valuable.

08/20/11: 35mm

Movie Review: Step Up Revolution

Step Up Revolution (2012, Scott Speer) - 9.0
An aspiring dancer falls in with a flash-mobbing dance troupe who stage elaborate and amazing dances in unexpected locations, and film it in order to win some youtube competition. But their neighborhood is in danger of being demolished by the aspiring dancer’s father, real-estate developer Peter Gallagher (Center Stage), splitting her loyalty between her real family and her dance family. The plot is charmingly 80s, but it’s the dance setpieces that are the star, and they get extremely innovative and brilliant in this one, and utilize the 3D even better than its predecessor (and even has one of the most clever 3D gimmicks I’ve ever seen with falling money protruding from the screen and seeming grab-able). And if you’ve ever wanted to see automobiles joining in on the dance-fun, your prayers have been answered, because the opening scene has some incredible car-eography. An extremely enjoyable movie. It’s step-tacular.

08/01/12: 3D, DCP

Movie Review: Dirty Dancing

Dirty Dancing (1987, Emile Ardolino) - 9.0
I had the time of my life watching this 80’s classic for the first time. Jennifer Grey is the greytest and Swayze is amazyng in an epic romance of dirty dancing and dirtier abortions.

09/05/12: Blu-ray

Augdy Sidargust: Return to Savage Beach

Return to Savage Beach (1998, Andy Sidaris) - 7.0
The final film of Andy Sidaris’ epic series has the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies (and men) trying to track down the location of Savage Beach, which apparently has tons more riches yet to be discovered, and one of the villains (Rodrigo Obregon, who has played a different villain in nearly every film), who was blown up at the end of Savage Beach, is actually alive, and also trying to get to the riches. The L.E.T.H.A.L. team, by the way, is aided by Warrior, the ruthless, homicidal villain from the previous movie who has reformed after three months in prison. The plot and action scenes are all a bit generic by this point, but it picks up at the end when Rodrigo tells his story, which features flashbacks to the earlier films (including footage of the series’ best characters, Donna and Taryn), and tries to tie much of the whole series together (there’s also a scene featuring a prop model plane from the earlier films, which a character actually remarks is a great piece of memorabilia). Then there’s some random twists, a song kicks in called “Which Ending Does This Story Have?”, and all the characters toast their champagne one final time (every single one of the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies movies ends with the good guys toasting champagne). Not an amazing film on its own, but still a satisfying conclusion to a great set of movies.

08/27/12: DVD

Andy Sidaris, Ranked:
1. Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
2. Stacey! (1973)
3. Malibu Express (1985)
4. Do or Die (1991)
5. Savage Beach (1989)
6. Guns (1990)
7. Fit to Kill (1993)
8. Picasso Trigger (1988)
9. Return to Savage Beach (1998)
10. Hard Hunted (1992)
11. Seven (1979)
12. Day of the Warrior (1996)
13. Enemy Gold (1993)
14. The Dallas Connection (1994)

Movie Review: Guns

Guns (1990, Andy Sidaris) - 7.5
Erik Estrada (who looks like he's 11 on this poster), with help from henchman Danny Trejo, is trying to run guns from China to South America, and get some revenge along the way by sending transvestite hitmen to kill the partner of recurring Sidaris character, and special agent, Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir), whose father killed Estrada’s brother or something. So the government “agency” of incredibly attractive people spring into action, and the women get naked a lot, and things blow up, and there’s an excellent sex scene on a motorcycle. It’s a great movie, of course, and I was glad to see Cynthia Brimhall in a bigger role, as she’s my favorite of Sidaris’ cast of Playmates.

08/12/12: DVD

Movie Review: Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987, Andy Sidaris) - 8.5
Donna and Taryn (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton), two women who are operating a cargo plane (and who are also undercover spies), accidentally steal some diamonds from a drug dealer, and he wants them back, so he has a drag queen kidnap a restaurant owner (Cynthia Brimhall) who has nothing to do with it. The women have a couple friends come by to help out, and they use a bazooka to blow up a skateboarder and his blow-up doll, in a scene that is the very definition of overkill. Meanwhile, an enormous snake is on the loose, who has been contaminated with deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats. Tons of nudity, cheesy humor, and explosions make for a pretty perfect, light-hearted action movie, led by strong female characters with an endearing friendship, and with a couple stand out scenes to make it unique. Anything with the snake is completely great, the aforementioned blowing up a blow-up doll scene is amazing, and the scene where someone is murdered by a frisbee is truly outstanding. Hard Ticket to Hawaii is worth the trip!

08/05/12: DVD

Movie Review: Stacey!

Stacey (1973, Andy Sidaris) - 8.0
Stacey is a private investigator, and is hired to stay in the house of a rich family to investigate something. It’s not really clear what she’s there for at the start, but a chaffeur who has been sleeping with everyone and blackmailing them with secret photos he took, ends up killed, and Stacey gets to work figuring out who the culprit is, and what their connection is to some sleazy guy that, like, leads a sex cult, I’m pretty sure. I didn’t always follow the plot entirely, but Stacey seemed to know what was going on, and it’s her mystery to solve. So it worked for me, and was a fun, female-led action-adventure. Randall is fantastic in the title role.

08/01/12: Download

Movie Review: Fear

Fear (1996, James Foley) - 10.0
Nicole (Reese Witherspoon), a sweet high school girl, starts dating the slightly older, handsome, and seemingly kind Mark Wahlberg. They grow close quickly, but Nicole’s father (William Petersen) has reservations about Walhberg, who seems too good to be true. Turns out he’s onto something. No matter how romantically Wahlberg fingers Reese on a rollercoaster, it can’t make up for his psychotic jealousy (he brutally attacks Reese’s gay friend for putting his arm around her) and insane possessiveness (he carves “NICOLE 4 EVA” into his chest). When Reese tries to break away from him, things go off the rails as Wahlberg and his friends invade her family’s home. It’s campy at times, but it’s also legitimately suspenseful and upsetting. Wahlberg and Petersen are both amazing in their vigorous battle of macho intensity. An extremely underrated, sexy rollercoaster ride of a thriller. FEAR 4 EVA.

05/09/06: DVD
01/15/07: DVD
06/14/11: DVD

Movie Review: Sleepaway Camp

Sleepaway Camp (1983, Robert Hiltzik) - 10.0
After a tragic boating accident kills her father and sibling, young Angela goes to live with her eccentric Aunt Martha and cousin Ricky. The kids are sent to summer camp, where the reserved Angela is constantly picked on by the other kids, especially by total bitches Judy and Meg, who are insanely nasty, and a pleasure to watch. Those who give her trouble, though, soon start meeting grisly deaths, starting with the sleazy pedophile cook who tries to molest her. Shortly after this incident, which Ricky had managed to save her from, the cook is drenched with boiling water, leaving him screaming endlessly as his skin bubbles and boils, in a sequence that is wonderfully unrelenting. More murders follow, using everything from a beehive to a curling iron as weapons.

Most of the characters in the film are deliriously despicable, and in contrast, the protagonists are amazing. Angela is sweet and adorable, and whether she’s the killer, or if it’s the protective Ricky, you just want what’s best for her, no matter what. The scene where we finally hear her speak for the first time, to a boy who has been nice to her, is one of cinema’s most endearing moments.

The film is not the first summer camp slasher, but it stands out for casting real teenagers with realistically filthy mouths, and even though it’s gloriously campy (and genuinely hilarious), there’s also a sense of realism. All the cruelty is over the top, but it’s also recognizable, which helps you care for the good guy characters, and twists the genre and perhaps your own morality, since you are definitely rooting for murder. Rarely do you side with the killer more than you do in this film. Even aside from the infamous ending, it’s an incredible film, and it’s really due to the characters, who are not only exceptionally performed (particularly by Felissa Rose as Angela), but are just so well-crafted and developed, and above all else, extremely distinct.

Speaking of distinct, this movie’s ending will blow your fucking mind. It’s shocking in concept, and even more shocking in execution. The imagery of it is haunting and strange and absolutely brilliant, and it will never be forgotten.

Sleepaway Camp is a masterpiece. It’s a perfect horror film, and certainly one of the most unique, and I infinitely love it. One of my favorite movies of all time.

~11/2002: VHS
04/27/07: DVD
05/06/07: DVD
06/04/11: 35mm
05/30/14: 35mm

Movie Review: Mac and Me

Mac and Me (1988, Stewart Raffill) - 10.0
A young, grotesquely adorable alien is vaccuumed off his home planet, separated from his family, and planted on Earth, where he befriends a boy in a wheelchair, who helps him hide from NASA by dressing him up as a teddy bear and taking him to a McDonald’s dance party. There are a lot of other crazy and bizarre things that happen, but I feel it may be best to go in unprepared, and let it’s many delights unfold upon you naturally. Part of the reason I defend seemingly-misguided movies like this (or Troll 2 or The Room), is because I admire any movie where you have no fucking clue what’s going to happen next. Even being a rip-off of another film (the inferior E.T., which I also really love, just not as much, and that’s the one I grew up on), there is no way to predict what you’re about to see on a scene-to-scene basis in Mac and Me. But trust me, every moment is compelling, and for me, that makes it a brilliant and unique film. And also, I don’t care what anyone says, Mac is fucking cute. The adult aliens (his family) not so much, and the scene where his naked alien dad is waving a gun around in a supermarket is a little creepy, but overall it’s a cute movie. And one of the best I’ve ever seen.

05/27/11: Streaming

Movie Review: Baby Geniuses

Baby Geniuses (1999, Bob Clark) - 8.0
Fucking insane story about a group of babies being held, and studied, by scientists (Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd) in an underground research lab because they believe when babies are babbling nonsense to each other, they are actually having philosophical discussions about the secrets of life and purpose of the universe, information they forget once they turn two. One of the smartest babies escapes, and while running around a mall, bumps into a twin brother he didn’t know he had, and they end up getting switched. Which gives the main baby some freedom to work up a plan to free all the other babies. Through the magic of mediocre special effects, we get to see the babies talking and cracking wise, we get to see the babies dancing, and we get to see a baby doing karate. It’s great stuff. And just a side note, if you want to see a male baby with diaper camel toe, look no further than the DVD cover posted above. The movie has it’s flaws, but it’s one of the fucking craziest things I’ve ever seen, and I often couldn’t believe what was happening. There’s more than just babies being geniuses, there’s all kinds of weird shit going on. You should probably just check it out for yourself. Honestly, if you like movies, then this stupefying romp is definitely a movie.

05/03/11: Streaming

Movie Review: Network

Network (1976, Sidney Lumet) - 3.0
A news anchor finds out he’s about to be fired, so he announces on air that he’s going to kill himself live on tv. The network executives are annoyed at first, but eventually Faye Dunaway convinces them to give him a tv show where he can rant angrily all he wants, and it’s hugely successful even though the rants are extremely boring. I liked the concept, but the movie just wasn’t working for me, and Faye Dunaway’s performance is a bit too much. I honestly don’t understand how other people judge over-the-top-ness. Like, why do people complain about Nic Cage hamming it up all the time when Gary Oldman exists? Have you seen The Professional? Cage looks subdued in Vampire’s Kiss by comparison (slight exaggeration), and gives a way more self-aware, hilarious performance, but he’s the one who gets picked on while no one ever complains about fucking Gary Oldman. I’m not complaining about Gary Oldman, either. I like him, and I like his performance in The Professional, but he’s an insane over-actor. And as far as Network goes, I seriously don’t get how Dunaway could win an Oscar for her role in this, but get tons of shit for her role in Mommie Dearest. She’s over-the-top in Mommie Dearest, but it's appropriate as the performance actually matches the film. In Network, she stabs the top in the neck and shits in it, then flails her limbs around, shrieking, defiantly refusing to display any resemblance whatsoever to a real person. WHY DID SHE WIN THE OSCAR!?! Why doesn’t Nicolas Cage win every Oscar!?! I don’t get it. My rating for the movie is not based on all this, I didn’t like it regardless. The ending was good, I guess.

04/09/11: Streaming

Movie Review: Deadly Friend

Deadly Friend (1986, Wes Craven) - 10.0
A brilliant teen, with an understanding of neuro-science and robotics, has built an adorable robot named BB who rambles nonsense in an adorably demonic voice. But the robot is destroyed by a vicious neighbor (Anne Ramsey), and shortly after that, the girl he has fallen for (Kristy Swanson, also quite adorable) dies. Sad and desperate, he does the only practical thing. Brings both of them back at the same time by putting the brain of BB into the body of Swanson. Things don’t work out exactly as planned, though, as his new Friend... turns out to be...

The plot may have some absurd elements, but if you can embrace it, this is one of the saddest, most touching movies you will ever see. I was genuinely distraught by the end of it. It’s a horror movie that manages to combine a plethora of cuteness with heart-breaking tragedy, centered around a robot and a pretty girl, with moments of disturbing cruelty, some gory effects, and one of the best kill scenes of all time (it involves a basketball). In other words, this movie was made for me personally! The film’s been criticized and largely dismissed because it jumps genres a bit, and sometimes seems like it was made for kids, but other times is clearly intended as adult horror, leaving people wondering what audience it’s meant for. Well, it’s me. I AM THE AUDIENCE. And surely there are like-minded others who appreciate gory horror movies that are also tear-jerking and adorable. It really delivers on so many levels of what I desire out of a film, and it’s unbearably appealing. It’s fucking amazing. It’s perfect. And I completely, whole-heartedly love the shit out of it. A new all-time favorite.

~1998: VHS
10/24/11: 35mm

Movie Review: The Peanut Butter Solution

The Peanut Butter Solution (1985, Michael Rubbo) - 10.0
An 11-year-old boy lives with his father and matriarchal sister (she’s like 13, but insanely adult), and one day a nearby house burns down, so he goes to check it out, fearing some homeless people he knows may have died inside. Whatever he sees in there scares him so badly he wakes up the next morning without any hair. But fortunately, the ghosts of the homeless people show up to give him a magical hair-growing recipe. He mixes in too much peanut butter, though, which causes the hair to grow rapidly, needing constant maintenance, and getting him kicked out of school due to how distracting it is. His best friend, by the way, has also used the Solution, on his crotch, and now has pubic hair growing out of the bottom of his pant-legs (he’s 11). Naturally, the main boy is kidnapped by his creepy, imagination-hating art teacher, who keeps him in a yogurt-induced coma, as his sweatshop of stolen children make paintbrushes out of his hair.

This movie is not on DVD and still fairly obscure, and I’ve heard various reports from people who saw it as a kid who weren’t sure if it was a real movie or a terrifying/enthralling dream that they had. That is seriously what all children’s films should strive for. It’s probably the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen, and literally dropped my jaw on several occasions just from sheer what-the-fuckness. Seek it out. It’s incredible.

3/5/11: 35mm

Movie Review: Fast Five

Fast Five (2011, Justin Lin) - 9.0
Vin Diesel and Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are hanging out in Brazil, and they want to retire from their lives of fast cars and furious crime sprees, but they need to do just one more high-paying job of stealing an entire bank vault from a police station. They enlist the help of some friends from previous movies, who each have a unique, special skill that never actually comes into play during the film. There’s also a powerful drug lord after them, and a relentless FBI agent, played by The Rock, in the sweatiest performance I have ever seen. It’s phenomenally ridiculous, and has some of the best action scenes ever, including a fist-fight between The Rock and Vin Diesel, and sky-diving with a car instead of a parachute.

04/30/11: IMAX
03/21/15: Blu-ray

Ambien Reviews: Lost Season 4 / Any Which Way You Can

Lost Season 4 (Jeffrey Lieber, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams) - 10.0
There A re a few things happening on the island, and just as crazy things happening off the island with the Oceanic 6 in the flash forwards. New characters are introcu fde from the gfreighter, like Jeremy Javies who is bring some fantastic new elements to the show, maybe next season. Guess I;kk kepp watchin’! It’s a shorter season, and like, crazy. Do they have to go BACK to the island to save their friends? OR DO THEY? LOST *ppuuh* Loved this season, dude.

Finished 02/14/11: Streaming

Any Which Way You Can (1980, Buddy Van Horn) - 9.0
I gotta addendum this one too with complaints of Ambieniningeniening out enough. Where’s the juice? THE AMBIEN GUNK JUICE. I just watched a movie called Any Which Way You Can and it was a masterpiece. Clint Eastwood and an orangutan named Clyde. It’s the movie every movie should be. Much better than its predessor Every Which Way But Loose. Very funny film with fighting, non-sensical rekindled relationships, an absurdist motorcycle gang, and total laugh out laughing loud. Much more hilarious film, and its just great. There’s a great love scene at a motel where Clint and Sondra Locke (tying it back to Lost here, right?) are in one room, Clyde and a female orangutan in another, Ruth Gordon and the motel’s owner in another, and Anne Ramsey and husband in another, all of them having sex at the same time. Beat that Scorsese. That multi-layered scene is pure 10” of uncut genius.

09/29/11: DVD

Movie Review: E.T. The Vagina

E.T. The Vagina (1996, Ildiko & Siegfried Entinger) - 7.5
According to the credits, the full title is The E.T. of Vagina: One Settles of the Other World, or Specially Terrestrian: The Extraterrestrial One.

An extra-terrestrial is sent to Earth to learn about human behavior, and is taken in by some people in a castle, who teach her everything she needs to know about the subject by having sex in front of her and calling everything “tasty”. It’s essentially pretty boring whenever E.T. is not onscreen, and she mostly just watches the other people. The highlights are obviously when we get to see E.T. herself getting fucked and sucking dick. The E.T. costume is a phenomenal work of art, seemingly made with latex dipped in trash. I’ll be honest, this isn’t a great movie. But it is a worthwhile film simply because the bizarre costume is so fucking captivating. And more importantly, this movie exists! Sure, I wish it were better, but just knowing that E.T. The Vagina is a real thing makes me appreciate life on Earth.

06/18/11: Download